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Adultery/Emotional/Electronic Affair


My husband of 1.5 years was recently contacted by his ex-girlfriend via Facebook. He told me when she first messaged him and said she probably got depressed and wanted a shoulder to cry on. He acted annoyed by it. About a month later he missed a call from her while I was near his phone, then a message. It turns out they'd been talking all that time, some flirting, and the previous night it had gotten deeply sexual--with me watching TV in the next room. After all the sex chat he'd gone for a walk (something he never does) and called her. He told me, "I love you" on his way out the door. Now I feel like that was a lie. We fought about it when I found out. The next week we had sex 8 times (6 more than usual). I felt like I needed to keep him satisfied enough to be faithful, but sometimes I feel like I should punish him. He blocked her and every woman not related or one of our co-workers, gave me all his passwords, and allowed me to put a tracking app on his phone to monitor its use. But that's it. He asked her advice on personal issues and problems with our relationship, but it's been almost a month and I still can't get him to open up to me about those things. I don't want to split up, I knew I wouldn't leave him the moment it happened. How do I get him to share with me? Was the way I seemed to get over it a mistake? He doesn't seem to realize I'm still heartbroken and if I talk about it he just gets angry and apologizes again, then clams up.

Dear Racheal,

Your husband has done everything right! He is allowing you to catch him being good. So catch him being good and satisfy yourself that you have nothing to be worried about.

You are asking him to be honest with you, yet you punish him with suspicion, nagging, and I suspect harsh words. Would YOU open up to someone who returns your honesty with punishment? How would YOU think you'd react to hearing the truth? If you want the truth, you have to show him that you are mature enough to hear it.

You might also be vulnerable with him. Share your feelings with him. Share your fears. Your concerns. If he hears that you are human too, he might be better able to share his vulnerabilities with you. You create intimacy with honesty, not sex. That's is probably what he found in his ex that kept him talking to her.

If he doesn't realize you are still heartbroken it's because you haven't communicated that. So tell him in 30 seconds or less. It doesn't take a lot of words. Get clear yourself and then say the words. If you give him a speech that contains blaming or goes off on a tangent, he won't hear you. Keep it simple. Focus on your feelings and desires. He is getting angry because he's defensive about something and doesn't want to hear you. So remove the blame, the anger. Speak to him with love. We all respond to that.

Best of luck,

Laura Giles


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Laura Giles


Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues


I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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