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Adultery/how can I bring back the trust

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Question
My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years, we have always said that we were just meant to be together ( and this comes from his mouth more than it comes from mine).

But we have had some problems, we met with the intention of being friends and he was already seeing another girl. For whatever reason, they didnt last longer than a few months and him and I started dating.

a year into it, we started fighting and he turned to her. He tried seeing her and talked to her constantly and even admitted to me that he still loved her for a year or so into our relationship.

Since then he will talk to her any chance he can, even though I ask him not to. And now he has started this habit of anytime we fight over anything, he will shut off and ignore me and will begin flirting with other women via text or facebook.

He met one girl at a store and got her number and they had a wonderful conversation about how sexy it was that she was getting a bra from victorias secret.

He always says he will never actually cheat on me but they make him feel good when I dont. All this has caused really bad trust issues and it always makes me worry, especially since he is married to his phone. We cant even go out to dinner without him being on it for the better portion of it.

I just dont know what to do to get myself to trust him again.

Answer
Dear Amber,

There are two things that have to happen to restore trust.

First, he is being honest when he says other women make him feel good when you don't. Work with that! What are you doing that makes him feel insecure? It's not simply disagreeing. We all disagree from time to time. What is happening that he doesn't feel safe with you? If you can figure that you, you can stop playing into this pattern.

Second, he's also feeding into this pattern by running to other women whenever he has a conflict with you. If he's aware of it, and you are aware of it, and you marry him anyway, you can expect that at some point, it will cross the line and flirting will turn into cheating. HE has got to learn a different way of coping. When he feels himself wanting the comfort of another woman, he has to do something different.

Since he's not the one asking for advice on how to do something different, you are going to have to take the lead and stop giving him a reason to run. If he continues to do that, then you will know that there is more to this than what he is telling you. Perhaps his ideas of love are not the same as yours. TIme will tell.

Best of luck,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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