Adultery/Wifes affair

Advertisement


Question
We both love each other and we are working through this. She had an emotional affair with an old boy friend. He lives in another state. There were lots of texts,emails,phone calls and skypes. Last week she finally told me that they had sex once two years ago and that was the only time. They have been away from home at events several times in the last two years when his wife and I were not there. We have been married for 20 years.I have some emails from a couple months ago that show a serious emotional affair has been going on and we have talked about them a lot.
My questions are; Can I believe her when she tells me  that they only had sex once? How can I believe anything she tells me about him when she has been telling me all along that he is just a friend? They still communicate almost every day. Can they be just friends now?

Answer
Hi Tim,

Q; Can I believe her when she tells me  that they only had sex once? How can I believe anything she tells me about him when she has been telling me all along that he is just a friend? They still communicate almost every day. Can they be just friends now?

A: Honesty is definitely a requirement of trust. If you want honesty, you can't condemn the person for giving it to you. You have to be able to hear it without blowing up or making them regret giving it to you. So first ask yourself if you have been a good receiver of the honesty. If you make it okay for your wife to be honest, you are more likely to get it.

Next, catch her being good. There is no way to know for sure if your wife is telling to truth about any of this. IF you want evidence of her honesty, check up on her. The more you find her where she says she is, doing what she says she's doing, the more credible you will find her. If she is not trustworthy, you will find this out too. Now, I don't mean you should creep around spying on her like an obsessed stalker, but you should check up.

Finally, if your wife wants a relationship with you, she has to cut off all contact with him. A serious breach has occurred! If she is safe with the other man, she will continue to use him for her emotional needs and not you. It doesn't really matter if they are just friends or not. A marriage cannot stand such a trespass. You and your wife need to find a way to create the trust in each other that she has in him. If that can't be done, I see no reason why she would stop her emotional affair with him.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.