Adultery/Need Advice

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Question
Short Story: My current, at least for now, significant other has a history of sending nude photos to others. She refused to do so for me for some reason, and I accepted that. Until she was then caught sending them to an ex. He is out of the picture, but I feel that it is unfair to me that someone outside of the relationship should be given something I am refused. It makes me feel second rate, and the only answer she gives me is that he'd seen it before so it wasn't a big deal, and I shouldn't require pictures since she is there. She doesn't seem to understand that its the action of her doing it for someone else and refusing to even try for me, that hurts so much. I have tried to get over this for 2 years now, but as of now, still can not. I am seriously about to end the relationship over it, even though I still love her. I feel I can not live hurting and feeling second best. Is there a way you can think of to get rid of this pain? Or should I just suck it up and end things instead of continuing to suffer?

Answer
Hi Robert,

It seems that there are two different issues here. One is stopping the emotional pain. The other is dealing with the behavior that is creating the emotional pain.

Both can actually be handled by accepting the situation for what it is. Remove all judgment and allow her to do what she wants. Accept her as she is.

If this goes against your values, you will continue to feel pain. We can't go against ourselves and be happy. It just doesn't happen. I don't see a way to stay with her happily if this behavior goes against your values.

My advice is no, don't "suck it up." This will make you unhappy. It's not authentic to you. Either A) accept her and love her as she is or B) let her go so that you both can be happy with others who shared ideas of what fidelity looks like.

best of luck,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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