AboutPastor Kimberly Lemler Expertise As an Ordained Minister, Life Coach, and Pastoral Counselor, I can help you with questions related to adultery. I was a victim of adultery in my first marriage so I understand deeply the feelings that one has in this situation. How we choose to respond to the situation is vital in our recovery. Letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness is key, and I can teach you how to do that. I have been happily remarried for 16 years.
Outside of AllExperts I can be reached at:
Walk By Faith Counseling Center
www.GodsHealingPower.org
Experience I have personal experience with a husband who committed adultery and have counseled people in this area. I have a weekly radio broadcast and also do street ministry, phone ministry,in-office ministry, e-mail ministry and have ministered on a worldwide prayerline. I am a life coach as well.
Publications Teaching CD's available on our website, GodsHealingPower.org. Look for several of our books to be published and on the website.
Education/Credentials I am a former school teacher, a graduate of Indiana University, 1984. I have received biblical instruction at Victory Bible Institute and am currently working on a PhD.
Question First let me say I am a Christian and want to live as God would have me to. I am having a really hard time right now as my husband and I have been going through some really hard times for about two and one half years. He first starting talking with an old female fried who was separated on the phone and through email. Then they started meeting. I found out and confronted him. Anger was his answer and turning back on me. He said there was no sex. Finally he stopped and I thought we were getting back close again A few months later I discovered he had met a woman on line--Told her he was divorced. They met in another city twice that I know of. I confronted him again and also told her he was married. She seemed surprised but continued to talk and email. After many tears, we went to counseling(a Christian counselor). He only went 4 times but I continued on. He did stop things with this woman and said he wanted our relationship but I had to stop watching his every move and stop making him feel like a caged animal. I had stopped all my checking(he knew my tactics afer counseling) and worked trying to rebuild our trust. Things seemed to be good until recently. I discovered he is back talking with the woman in the other town and someone else. Again I confronted him and he went beserk saying he couldn't move weithout me watching and checking. He said he had felt lonely and distant from me for a few months and called her knowing it was wrong and that it was a mistake. He made up something about helping the other woman with a family problem. After much crying, accusations, and asking him what he really wanted, he told me he was confused but wanted our marriage. That has been a few days ago. He had a second phone I knew about on which he made the calls. He gave it to me and said he'd have no contact again with either. However, I know he must have as there have been no calls from these women to his second cell phone since our conversation and there had been prior to then. I love him and want to save our marriage but I'm so devastated and don't know if he's just finding another way to talk and maybe meet. I'm scared I guess to leave because I don't know if I can handle being alone again. My first husband died at 45 of cancer. I married my current husband 6 years later after my children were grown. I'm 60 and haven't worked outside the home since my boys were born. Please help me get a Christian perspective on this as sometimes I'm unsure if what I'm feeling is of God or the Devil. Thank you
Answer Hi Phyllis,
Your husband sounds like a habitual offender. He cannot be trusted. If he really wants your marriage, he will do whatever it takes to change his behavior. WHATEVER IT TAKES. He needs a real wake-up call. He needs to grow up.
I understand about not having a job and afraid of being alone. That's why women tolerate their living situations and then are miserable. So ...you need to make some changes.
First, you need to realize that God does not expect you to remain with a man who is unfaithful. Your husband has broken your covenant and you are released. If you choose to stay, God says that's okay too. But he is giving you an out so that you don't have to remain in misery.
If you decide to go, then you need a backup plan. You need to have a job in line and be prepared for life on your own. This all has to be done ahead of time before you plan to move out. Get everything in order.
If you decide to stay, you need to set all the ground rules. YOU give him all the stipulations and if he doesn't abide by your wishes, then you leave.Or make him go. In any case, you need to separate or divorce.
If your husband were mine, this is what I would tell Him.
1. STOP all contact with other women.Your life will be an open book to me and expect me to check up on your daily.
2. Meet with a pastor on a weekly basis to keep you accountable.
3. Go to marriage counseling with a pastor.
4. Read the Book called A Man of Her Dreams The Woman of His.
5. Set up a phone consultation with the author who is a pastor and who was once in your shoes.
6. If these conditions are NOT MET, then I am demanding that you move out and we have a separation so that you can think about all of this. If you discontinue meeting with the pastor or if you meet and speak with other women again during the separation, I WILL file for a divorce.
Phyllis, he needs to get the message. What you tolerate will REMAIN. You need to make it abundantly clear that IN NO WAY WILL YOU TOLERATE this childish, immature behavior.
I want you to go to this website:
GodSaveMyMarriage.com
And then I want you to get the book TODAY and read it. You will see yourself in that book and also you will see your husband. This will empower you to understand how God set up a marriage and that your husband needs to act Christ-like. You have more power within a marriage than what is taught out there in churches and books. This book will correctly interpret the scriptures and show you how special you are.
I use this book when I counsel people and the author and his wife are helping to save marriages left and right.
Phyllis, you are still young. You don't have to be alone the rest of your life if you decide to leave him. God will be with you and give you the strength and if you desire, He will bring you another companion. God wants you HAPPY and living in PEACE. He does not expect you to stay with an adulterous man. But He will help to restore your marriage if you both are willing.
