Adultery/adultery

Advertisement


JP3 wrote at 2006-07-17 17:41:22
That's a terrible answer.  He's an injured party.  He has an obligation to the other injured party.  How will the wife feel after all is discovered, that someone could have let her know earlier?


cheated on in Cali wrote at 2008-08-25 04:22:48
Andrew,

My husband cheated on me for 2 1/2 years.  I found out by reading some text messages that he thought he'd deleted.  I thank God every day for letting me find them.  I'm devastated by the loss of my husband, but am happy knowing the truth and being able to move on.  I will absolutely be telling the other woman's husband about the affair at my leisure.  I think you should definitely let the cheated on wife know what her worthless husband has done to her (and her children if they have any)...then let her decide what her next move will be.


tedster wrote at 2008-10-08 18:34:10
Tell the man's wife. Bring it to light.  The other man is betraying his wife and she has a right to know about it.  If she chooses to leave him, then it is her right.  Chances are, she will not (most couples survive adultery).  But she cannot start to fix their marriage when this is still in the dark.  Invariabley she is leaving a hole in the marriage by not meeting his emotional needs that he is trying to fill. In contrast, when he committs adultery, he will start to neglect her--so her life is or will get much worse.



It has to be out in the open for there to be a change and chance of recovery--or else they may just leave each other never knowing what the real cause was and having a chance to recover--if they choose.



This is the best thing for the other man, and for his wife (although she will be completely terrorized by the revelation).  It is also not a bad thing for him to feel the consequences of his terrible actions--he is living a second life and needs to stop.



As a victim of adultery, having endured it for over a year, I watched my wife repeat her affair again and again, with total disreguard for me, for our five beautiful and innocent children, risking her job (she was a teacher, he was a student--former just as the physical part kicked in), risking her church membership and reputation with all her friends.



It was the most traumatic thing I have ever endured.  We could NOT fix it until I drug it out into the light again and again and finally even had to physically chase the kid away.  Then she woke up, we started dealing proactively with all the issues and are much better--still in recovery mode, but much better.  I woke up, and am meeting her needs so it won't happen again.



The faster this gets into the light, the less chance of deeper attachment, the quicker it can be dealt with.




snippit wrote at 2009-12-28 13:00:40
Andrew,

contrary to what Pisces child said,I would strongly consider informing the wife. Perhaps she would want to have herself checked for STDs and such.


donkey36 wrote at 2011-02-14 23:00:14
Definitely tell his wife.  You would not be "wreaking havoc" on an innocent person's life for crying out loud.  Anything destructive that comes from the truth being brought out into the light has nothing to do with you telling her.  The negative recourse that could follow is caused by the two deceitful adulterers.  She has a right to know and should know, no question about it in my mind.  Tell me, if someone knew your partner was cheating would you prefer that they not tell you?...I didn't think so.  Tell her because it's the right thing to do and for that reason alone.  


Ian wrote at 2011-03-14 09:01:30
Sorry Pisces, but I completely disagree.



Having gone through a very similar experience, I had a conversation with the "man's" wife and she thanked me profusely for letting her know. In fact she even apologised for putting me in a situation her husband should have had the courage to face up to himself.



I know this is a long time ago from the original answer, but others looking at this may find my experience useful. The main thing is to remain calm and factual when speaking to the adulterer's partner. They will thank you.  


Ian wrote at 2011-03-14 09:01:30
Sorry Pisces, but I completely disagree.



Having gone through a very similar experience, I had a conversation with the "man's" wife and she thanked me profusely for letting her know. In fact she even apologised for putting me in a situation her husband should have had the courage to face up to himself.



I know this is a long time ago from the original answer, but others looking at this may find my experience useful. The main thing is to remain calm and factual when speaking to the adulterer's partner. They will thank you.  


Denny wrote at 2013-12-10 17:44:19
My wife of 20 years just told me 8 weeks ago she has been in a relationship with a co worker for the last 4 years. I finally was able to locate his wife's communication number . I called her and told her. She did not seem to surprised. But if she did feel the pain as much or more then I have, it was not because I told her. It was because two married people took it upon themselves to satisfy their own selfish needs, WITHIN THE BOUNDRIES OF MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!  I did the right thing. Also, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want her to tell me, in fact, I would consider it her moral obligation to tell me. My wife and I have not told our 19 and 9 year old children. They can make the same choice also.  


Adultery

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


pisces child

Expertise

I have a lot of experience of partners who have been unfaithful to me. I know the pain and blow to your self confidence it can bring. I know a lot of the "signs", and the lies people will tell to get themselves off the hook. I am willing to offer a sympathetic ear, good sound advice or explore what your options are with you.

Experience

about twenty years of unfaithful men.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.