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Adultery/my husband commited adultery

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how do i forgive. i don't know if this was his first time, but it is the first time that i got proof and he had to own up to it.  in my soul i believe he has cheated before, but he denies it.  he slept with this person on three different occasions.  we have a business and he actually tried to sign her on as a client and something felt really wrong to me about it and within 1 week the i found out the truth, from her initially. she says she did not know he was married, i asked he didn't she see the ring and she said he told her he was it symbolizes a long term relationship. he met this woman online. any way i kicked him out for a few days and he called and called and called two days before i let him come back home he admitted the truth, prior he was still trying to say she was lying. he has agreed to certain conditions I've set, claims he gets it, promises it will never happen again and that it is safe for me to give him my heart again...my problem is someone that would stab his wife in the back by signing on a client he's slept with and would have me speaking with her and he on the phone with her in our office and I'm none the wiser...that is a seriously deceitful character. when he last slept with this woman i had just given birth to our son one month prior. i don't know what to do...i have told him that i will try and work it out, but i find myself thinking about it, i have a mental block when it comes to showing him any type of affection...i have not allowed tongue kisses or made love to him since it has been about a month and a half. (he claims he did not kiss this woman or do anything oral, but that is not the only reason i cant kiss him) i don't trust him...he has written me so many beautiful letters and his demeanor has changed, he says he knew the words integrity, and honor and supreme love, but he had never incorporated them into his life and now he has...he speaks of nurturing his spirituality and of god.  how do i reach out to him when it is in my mind that the last time his penis was in use it was with someone else. and that he does not or did not care enough about his family mot to jeopardize loosing us. i am at the point where i don't think i can justify staying with him until i sleep with someone else and tell him about it two weeks later after I've slept with my husband, and after I've looked into his eyes and told him i love him and after i told him there has never been anyone else, so that he can experience the wave full of so many emotions himself. i have asked Jesus to help me forgive him and i know it takes time, but when does you'll get over it, begin. one of the family photos in our house of my husband and i, which I'm thinking of taking down because during that time period he was a liar. but when our 3 month old son and i pass by it i say nice things out loud to him about his father but under my breath I'm calling him a son of a bitch or a bastard. how do i forgive? (i hope you can also address all the underlying issues i touched on in this communication.  thank you.

Answer
Hi Harmony,

I have been where you are at right now...and I know the feelings of betrayal, anger, bitterness and all of the other emotions wrapped up together. It is not an easy situation. The pain is very real and is sometimes hard to work through.  So I know exactly how you are feeling...

For me, the pain was too great for me to be able to stay with him, so I called it quits. Some people can stay and work through it. It takes a lot of prayer and communion with God to be able to fully receive the grace you need to overcome this. I don't see how anyone can do this without the help of the Lord...

He must be willing to be totally transparent in all of his actions and also be willing to endure coldness from you for quite a long time. If he truly loves you and is repentant, he will do this.

I really think you both need to sit down with a pastor face to face and work through this. You need time with a pastor by yourself to help work through your hurt. Tell your husband that you want counseling and if he really wants to please you, he will agree to it.

Forgiveness is not a feeling...it is a choice. You can forgive him today and pray that God will help bring the feelings of forgiveness as well. When you get to the point where you can minister to your husband or even to the girl he was with, then the feelings have fully arrived. Pray for your husband and pray blessings over that woman. When we do this, blessings come back to us and the Lord will honor your obedience to Him. He says that if we don't forgive, then He cannot forgive us. And we have all sinned...so none of us is perfect.

Yes, it was a lack of integrity. It was stupid on his part. He was thinking with his male organ instead of his brain. It was selfish and I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you. He was just following a lustful heart.

God does give you His approval for a divorce in the case of adultery, so God is on your side, any way you choose to go with this. I can't decide this for you. You must work through this. Talk this out with a pastor face to face. It will help you tremendously...

Harmony, you have every right to be mad as hell over this...but you don't have the right to withhold your forgiveness. Be obedient to God and start saying outloud every day, "I forgive my husband, Lord. I turn this over to You.  "   The feelings will eventually come. Ask Him to help you day by day. He will.   Jeremiah 33:3.

Get the book called The Man of Your Dreams The Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson. Joel committed adultery and Kathy forgave him and now they have an outrageously happy marriage and minister all over the world together. I think their book with help you...  

In His Service,

Pastor Kim

Adultery

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Pastor Kimberly Lemler

Expertise

I am an Ordained Minister, Bible Teacher, Life Coach and Pastoral Counselor. I have a radio program called God's Healing Power where I teach on various topics, and I also write for 2 columns. Self Help CD's are available on our website. Counseling services are also available.

Outside of AllExperts I can be reached at: www.GodsHealingPower.org

Experience

At least 1/4 of people who ask me for help on this site actually look at the answers. We volunteers spend MANY HOURS answering mail and our time is valuable. I will be on hiatus from All Experts and can be reached for counseling services through our website, GodsHealingPower.org.

Publications
I have a column in several newspapers.

Education/Credentials
Indiana University, BS 1984 Victory Bible Institute Currently working on a PhD

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