Expert: Sharon - 8/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi im a 25 yr old college black college student and as far back as i can remember i could i always get along with most ppl except when it comes to one group of ppl BLACK WOMEN. I have two count em two black friends that are girls and they said they have had the same problem. I try to be nice and no matter what i do it seems to make the siyuation worse. I get told im "saditty(what ever that means)" or i think im white because i speak proper english ,i supposedly dress like a white girl, i use white hair products(well they work my hair is healthy and it grows i luv sunsilk hee hee) I actually got reprimanded by my last black roommate because i listen to sublime she said i shouldnt listen to them because thats "white folks" music and its not my culture. Funny i always thought my culture was american culture and sublime is an american band oh and all hell breaks loose if i let it slip that i dont like rap.I have been dealing with this crap my whole life my mother says its ignorance and our people have got to do better but i think its something more.What is it with in our culture that seems to distain a black person who doesnt meet the staus quo i mean why dont i seem to bother black women so much because im different?

ANSWER: Hi,Kia

I have had a similliar experience that you have had and its funny because a friend and I had this conversation the other day. I actually have a diverse groups of friends, and Im a little leary when meeting black women because of my experience, just the negativity that I get from black women. Yes I have been made fun of also because I talk really proper. I listen to all kinds of music also including rock. I use all kinds of products on my hair whether they are "white or black". So I see where you come from. but i think that there are some people who dont know how to deal with people who are different then them. Its simple as that it is not your problem it is their problem. Yes your mother is right when she speaks of ignorance. some people are just mean and like to put people down and make people feel less then they are. Also I believe that some women are petty against other women... its a "survival of the fittest" kind of thing that I learned in class. Yes and at times it does seem like black women are mean to other black women. but I hear white women can be the same towards other whites . the same for hispanic women treating other hispanic women they feel like with disrespect and disregard of thier feelings. I dont really hear a black women say I get negativity from hispanic women or white women that is because "we as women" dont generally feel competition from women outside our race. So yes maybe some black women you encounter maybe jealous or intimidated by you. You have something that they lack. You say that you are nice, and some people dont like nice people cause they cant be nice thierselves and they want to but it is not in thier demeanor. and about you using "white" hair products that might be jealousy too. alot of black women dream to have "good hair" that will respond to all kinds of products not just products that are "especially made for blacks" So maybe when black women see you using these products and I assume with great results they may be jealous, cause they feel limited on what they can do/use to thier hair.These are some of my theories, but all i can say is be yourself, love yourself ..the way you talk, the hair products you use, the music you listen too, and everything that makes you....you...like they say "brush off the haters" and let them deal with thier own problems,and insecurities. you seem well-grounded ...so dont change.

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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: is it a way to get along and at least have a little civility when it comes to these kinds of women? I have two new roommates and they are both black i dont wanna jum the gun and say they are going to be like the black girls i described above but just in case....any advice cuz what i do doesnt work.

Answer
I have had my share of roommate experiences,some good and some bad. My best roommate experience was actually with a African-American girl and we have been close friends ever since. and you don't want to jump the gun and assume that the new roommates will be the kinds of women you described. Have you met these new roommates? Have you interviewed them,if not MAKE SURE, that you get acquainted very well before you make your desicion. You may have totally different lifestyles,and you will clash,don't let just anyone move in because of the spur of the moment. Make sure that they accept you and like you for who you are and the feeling is mutual, so that there are no problems. Talk about your interests,hobbies,lifestyle, likes and dislikes. If they make snide remarks towards you, tell them that you are very offended and as long as you are living together you should respect one another. If that doesn't work I don't know what to tell you. Just to be careful who you choose to live with in the future. On the otherhand, they may be really cool, so don't put up "this wall" around you cause they may be offended by that, and may respond with malice comments. Be friendly, be loveable,don't assume, don't discriminate, and be yourself.

Thanks for your question!!!