Expert: Marc Storr - 9/28/2010

Question
Greetings, Marc !  I do hope you can possibly help me out. I will try and be as accurate as possible.
I am now middle-age and wonder if I can eventually conquer this problem.
I grew up as an only child in a small but wonderful family. My school years were unhappy as I was often mocked and ridiculed most of the time and I lived in an unfriendly neighborhood so I was unable to make any worthwhile friendships. There was one good association but the person moved back to France.  The few other associations concluded rather negatively. I was a basically good 'kid'---I did not do drugs, smoked, nor did I go in for alcohol.  I did a few secretive 'things' in which I am not at all proud and the guilt has increased steadily over the years.  There were several fights along the way with peers and a car accident in which my car was completely 'totaled' - I was OK but greatly shaken. I have tried to overcome my past problems but all my difficulties are being compounded by the fact that I am also unemployed now for nearly 3 years. I was often harrassed at work but nasty employers and my adult attempts at friendships often led to me being misunderstood and my motives as sincere as they are - completely taken out of context--and I was often questioned.  I was unable to find any suitable social organization to join so I have been quite isolated and my attempts to 'go forward' were met with hostility by outsiders.  
Now as to the intensity of my feelings----I frequently get headaches plus a feeling of raw nerve endings in my feet, stomach (often my stomach feels very unsettled !), and there are numerous tinges in my lower arms.  These symptoms are especially severe when I try to sleep at night and there has been considerable bouts of insomnia.  I get terrible flashbacks of these awful experiences and the more I try to 'stamp them out' the more they surface.
In the past--these symptoms would occasionally vanish and I would somehow regain the confidence to proceed in a more social manner -- only to be met again with rather hostile people and other problems with them along the way.
For the past year now I feel extremely uncomfortable when leaving my house. I sense that people from the past with whom I had problems-and there were many---are lurking about and trying to do me harm--either physical or mental - or both. I feel greatly haunted by these thoughts.
I did try to seek counseling and was instructed to use deep breathing exercises which helped only briefly. I was told that these fears of mine are unfounded and not to dwell upon them any further.
I was given anti-depressants by my physician but I got some terrible reactions so had to stop taking them.
I am willing to push myself as far as possible. I reside with my folks who are wonderful but I frankly do not know anyone who can accompany me when I challenge myself.  
Again I do leave my house to accomplish important tasks but I do feel often very uneasy and I constantly have to reassure myself that these 'fears' are only in my head.
Please advise. Thanks.

Answer
Hi Mark - great name

Sorry for the way you feel man, I've felt isolated and low several times during my life and I know it's a horrible feeling.  I also know that you are not alone in feeling this way because there are many people living in circumstances like yours - I've spent hundreds of hours talking to people about exactly the issues you raise.

First things first...where are the positives in your life.  I know, I know, you're probably thinking what positives?  However, you mention your folks - they're positive right.  You mentioned a small but wonderful family - that's positive right.  What else is in your life that's positive in your life?  

Make a list of 10 good things that are in your life at the moment - can't think of 10, you're probably being too selective.  Keep it simple and keep it snappy if your struggling and don't write anything off because it 'doesn't count' - hey its your list and everything counts.

This list is your reference point to keep you in the world around you - because its your world as much as anyones elses and you have a right to walk around in it whenever you like.  Use the list whenever you need it to remind you that your life has good things in it.  It's also a handy check list to see whether these things are still important to you and you can add to it as many times as you like.  I had a list that eventually had around 100 things on it that I added over a few months - eventually I didn't need the list anymore because I memorised what was on it by reading it so many times.

You make think a list will make no difference, but this is what we do with negative info about our lives all of the time.  We focus on the negative stuff, we categorise it, we remind ourselves of it at every opportunity and we add to it daily.

A positive list helps to even up the cognitive balance - but because we are not used to doing this in our life, a physical list in black and white helps us to develop this habit.

I'm struck by what you write that you haven't told me anything else about your life that isn't associated with the way you feel.  You haven't told me about your previous work, what you want to do with your life, what you have done with your life or what you're doing to improve things.  Don't stress about this though, its normal to do this, but it does show where your focus is.  

However, having your focus on the negative aspects of life means that the 'I' in you is guiding your actions via these negative aspects (the 'I' being the part of you that is in the driving seat and directing your life).  If we do this for long enough, it becomes a habit.  What this means in practice is that you are constantly looking for these negative elements - because you need them to find a way through life.  

Again, I know this sounds crazy, after all, who would want to live like this if they had a choice...well, the brain is a wonderful machine man, and not very well understood.  However, we do know that the brain likes repetition and loves to find easy ways to do its job (google 'cognitive economy').

Mark, can you do the list and spend some time thinking about what you want from life - and then get back to me, with the list and what you want.  Also let me know whether you have had the physical feelings checked out by a doc to rule out physical causes.  We can go from there and head towards brighter places.

Here's hoping I hear from you again man.

Regards, Marc