Expert: Alanna Shaikh - 10/29/2008

Question
Mom has dimentia even though she REFUSES to see a neurologist..our drs. knows her family history and says it is dimentia.  She refuses to take any medication, she is physically healthy although lately many complaints of head pain but WILL NOT GO TO Dr..she is stubborn, fights me all the time, total denial..eats like a bird, calls me every 10 mins and now late at night she calls saying "she wants to go home" SHE IS HOME!  I am the only one here, my brothers live in CA. and she has no friends left (she calls people and if she speaks to them she has a tendency to continue calling all day so they don't answer anymore).  She lives in an apt complex 40 years now, and I am in a one br condo basically across the street.  If I say black, she says white...it doesn't end and I am totally stressing out.  You cannot mention her moving or she goes off the deep end...gets nasty...what can I do.

Answer
Dear Cheryl,

I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation. Your mother is lucky to have you looking out for her. This is a very stressful situation for you.

When a loved one has dementia, we often reach a point where there is no gentle or easy solution. Your mom can't live alone any more, and you are going to have to find a a way to deal with that, even if it makes her angry. Your mom is not going to a reach a point she will be willing to move; reason won't work with her.

You need to get her to a neurologist, and you need to get her started on medications to slow the onset of the dementia. Can you make the appointment herself, and then take her when you are already in the car and on an outing?

Either way, you are going to have to have some strong disagreements with your mother, and just keep pushing the issue into you get your way. Do your best to be strong, as it will be a difficult time.

My thoughts are with you as you face this.

Sincerely,
Alanna