Expert: Michalene Peticca - 10/31/2008

Question
I am the 57 yr. old daughter of my 92 yr. old father who has Alzheimer's. He was genius level intelligence, never went to college, but had a mind for business no one could beat. He kept all of his knowledge in his head. He worked until he was 85 yrs. old, but had to retire because the Alzheimer's was making it difficult to work and travel. He has survived colon cancer ('84), prostate cancer and bladder cancer. He survived Legionnaire's Disease. Alzheimer's killed his father and his younger sister. His only fear in life was getting it, too. He is married to an amazing woman who has made sure he has seen the best of the best in doctors in New York City. She makes sure he gets up, gets dressed and gets outside every day. But, she is 85 and has been having T. I. A.s. She also has low blood sugar, heart problems and osteoporosis. She has a difficult time letting go and going out by herself for herself. She has an aide to help bathe and dress dad every day during the week.  But she is on her own on the weekends. She is a stubborn English woman who has that stiff upper lip attitude of not letting on that things are bad and she needs help. I took care of my mother for the last eight months of her life. She has alcohol induced dementia, but it was also accelerated by her having small strokes, too. She'd been sober for 17 years and then began to drink a case of rum a month by herself. Her memory was shot.  He behavior unpredictable. She refused to walk. She was also diagnosed with bipolar depression at 84. So, I have been through this all before. But I had more control over how mom was cared for. I do not have any control over how my dad is cared for. My step mother is a great woman, but she does not want dad to go into a nursing home. I can fully understand as they are for the most part disgusting hell holes. But, their apartment, that they own outright, is small. They live on the Upper East Side and have lived a very high end lifestyle. I suggested making the den into a room for a live in nurse.  Oh, no, can't do that - dad uses that room as his dressing room. He needs someone there 24/7. She just does not get that. She is having difficulty letting go of the past that will never be again. She cannot talk with my dad anymore and that is sad. She is depressed. I advised her to go to a support group, but she doesn't go. She does not want to leave my dad's side. I managed to get my mother to finally make out a will and durable power of attorney after hounding her for years.  Right in time, too. I ask my step mother who has durable power of attorney and she has no idea.  No one does in my family of three kids. Step brother lives two hours away and my brother lives five hours away, but I live 3000 miles away and I am the only one who does not work due to disability. I am the only one who knows what to do. But, how can I make my step mother give me the important information we all need to have? I do not know who their doctors are, their friends, their atty., the financial adviser - nothing. My step mom has collapsed three times that I have been told about: on Park Ave., in church and somewhere else. This concerns me. That is what put my own mother in bed permanently - falling down, passing out and having no memory of how she it happened. Then being delusional and having hallucinations. I dread that happening again with her.  Three parents with brain disease.  It is unbelievable. I need help to know what I can do!  I have no power to do a single thing if I do not have durable power of attorney.  If it has not been assigned to anyone in the family - then who?  The state will assign someone to take over their affairs if this is not done right.  It is too frightening to think about, but it is reality. My dad is not having trouble with his bowels and leaving rest rooms a total mess - which is seriously embarrassing to my step mother. She has even had to clean him up from an accident at home. I do not know if this is the Alzheimer's or the medicine and the foods he eats that is causing the loose stools. He definitely drinks too much fruit juice, but she cannot stop him from getting into the frig. She's giving him Imodium. She has him on Depends!  He needs a diaper. He needs a full time nurse or someone who can be his full time aide.  They have no Long Term Health Insurance.  Only their health insurance and Medicare. Can you help me so I can help them?

Answer
Hello Wendy,

Wow, this sounds like you have a lot of concern and i can understand why.

It sounds like the best thing you could do at this point is call the local Office of Aging in your parents' area and let them know your concerns.  They will assign a caseworker to them and send someone out to follow up and check in on them.  If any further interventions or services need to be set up, they will take care of that.   

Unfortunately, there is no way to "make" someone have a Durable Power of Attorney, but at least if you have a government agency involved, if something serious happens, they can get a hold of you and if a guardianship needs to be processed, then you would be able to be involved and perhaps become that person assigned by the court.

As a child that lives far away from my parent, i empathize and hold my breath everyday when the phone rings!

Best of luck.

Michalene Peticca, MA