Expert: Alanna Shaikh - 10/14/2008

Question
Hello,
  My father-in-law has Alzheimer's.  My mother-in-law is having a hard time.  They live in a retirement community and he clings to her and panics when she is not around.  He had always taken care of her their whole marriage. For the last half year he has refused to take a shower.  My mother-in-law tried more or less successfully to get him to take one but has given up.  My wife goes over each week to do their little shopping and to balance their checkbook. Today we went over and my wife and demanded him to take a shower.  For the first time I or she had seen he became very , very upset and pushed her and was going to hit her.  Her mother said he has done this to her (not hit yet but threatens).  Five minutes later he forgets the whole thing.  He never was like that in his whole life.
  My wife asked the activities director there if he could get an aide to help him bathe.  She is having the manager go up and do so.  We are afraid he will do something that will get them kicked out.  It is an awful situation and we don't know what to do.

Answer
Dear Don,

Dementia in a retirement community is really tough. These communities are focused on active, healthy seniors and actively discourage sick people from staying.

It sounds to me like your father-in-law is past the point where it is safe or reasonable for him to be alone with your mother-in-law. It is time to look for another living situation for him. Even if he is panicky at first, he will adjust over time. Many people with dementia feel safer and more secure in a special dementia care residence - living according to a strict schedule, with specially adapted furniture and bathroom fittings is reassuring for them.

I think you already know that the situation cannot go on as it is. It's not safe for either of your in-laws.

This is a terribly difficult situation, and your in-laws are lucky to have you and your wife to help them work things out. My thoughts are with you as you face this. Please feel free to write back if there is any other advice I can offer.

Best,
Alanna