Expert: Paula Damgaard - 6/25/2008

Question
I have asked questions in the past, and have had allot of things happening with my mother since my last question. She has been diagnosed for more than 8 years. Lived alone until three years ago when we decided that she could not be alone any longer. She had had an allergic reaction to seafood while on Holiday in the United States where we her children all lived. She went into such a confused state that we had to make a decision as to what to do about her care.Determined then that she could no longer be alone. My family had just started I had my fist child and he was just 1 1/2 years old when we moved to Madrid Spain to live with my mother and take care of her. The first year she could still get out and basically go and come as she pleased then, the second year she was already forgetting how to use her house key and the elevator, from there her Ad went from bad to worse. We got her into a Day Center in June 2007 and she was really happy. We were able to relax more while at work and she was cared for quit well. Now only one year later she has gone into such a declined stage that she can barley walk and stand up right, she was put in hospital for low blood pressure for one night in a very busy ER Hospital and it took weeks for her to recover, just from the sedation medication that they gave her there. I was scared when I went to see her. She was tied to the hospital bed and had such a disoriented look on her face, she was really out of it. I felt as though I would never take her back to a hospital ever after that unless it was a life or death situation, a broken hip etc...>This happen the 11 of June, since she
also was diagnosed with a urinary infection and had a cough. She just keeps her eyes closed during the day and talks rubbish also her apitite has diminished at the day center and I have noticed again today that her urine is very dark. I as looking to place her into a nursing home, my son now four years old is really seeing his grandmother get worse and I have my husband that has been nothing but supportive through our toughest times of our lives. HE is also sleep deprived and I am getting less patient than ever. I visited the residence today and it was ok I guess it is the first one that I have visited here in Spain. The worse floor was pitiful with patients feeding their dolls, the second floor where their rooms were was a bit better. I don't know if I can put her into a facility,,,,I know she is tired of the day center and they can only care for a limited amount of people so we are at our wits end. She does not sleep well at nigh and we have been giving her haldol drops at night for her to sleep she get up and walks without knowing where nor why...I could just go on and on...I need some advise as to why she is now closing her eyes and not wanting to eat and drink like she normally would. I am really having a hard time dealing with all of this and running a family, working and keeping it all together help I need some good advice.

Answer
Hi Liz, first let me apologize if there are typos, i have broken my right wrist, and am right handed.  Typing with one hand is interesting!

I don't know exactly why she is closing her eyes,etc., but i would suggest testing  her urine again.  Elderly women tend to have them alot and they are hard to get rid of.  

Most of all I want you to stop beating yourself up!  Your first priority should be your son and your husband.  your mom has a disease that requires nursing care.  if she broke her arm you would not hesitate to cast it.  So why hesitate to do what she needs for this disease?  maybe the one you went to wasn't the best, look at others.  don't call ahead just show up.  go on a weekend see how they are without their "we're glad to meet you" faces.  talk to other families at the home see how they like it.  none of them will be just like home, but if the place is clean and the patients look good then feel good about it.  i know one thing for sure, your mom would never want to take you from your son.  

i know this is not easy, been there done that!  Hardest thing i ever had to do, but i would do it again in a heartbeat.  once you place her become friends with the staff.  the better you treat them, the better they treat your mom.

let me know how you are doing!  my thoughts are with you. paula