Expert: Paula Damgaard - 8/18/2008

Question
re: 1-16-2008 Minnesota daughter's question  
We have the same situation.  With a diagnosis of dementia and suffering from
daily paranoia --" faithful husband of 69 years is cheating, woman friend is
stealing her toothbrush, clothes", whatever she can't find--my mom attacks
Dad daily with swearing, hand clenching, vicious attacks but hates it when he
is out of sight.  When I try to get him away from the stress and abuse (he is
her caregiver), she wants a lawyer.     Totally irrational and unable to
remember, the behavior is getting worse.  She will be getting assisted living
next week since she hasn't had a bath or shower for a year but I don't know if
they can help her get clean.  She refuses help or medication of any kind.  
Apparently, if a mentally ill person is heading for disaster financially or
health-wise, they have every legal right to do so and there's nothing I can do?  
Even with a durable POA? That's what I keep reading.  I'm thinking that, if
worse came-- divorce, assets split, she loses her half and goes on welfare, at
least I could save my dad from the abuse.  I don't know how much of his
declining health is due to the constant stress.  And I've always hesitated to
split them up because they've been together since high school.


Answer
Jill, this is such a nasty disease isn't it?  What I would suggest you do is go to the Department of Social Services and ask for an Adult protection agent.  Explain to them that you are in fear of your dad's health and safety from your mom.  They should get her admitted to the hospital where she would be admitted to psychiatry and they would make her take her medicines. Once she has drugs on board she will be a much happier camper.  If you can't get an Adult protection person then when she is in one of her rages call the police.  They will take her to the hospital where they will evaluate her and put a hold on her so she can't go and will admit her.  Your dad will absolutely say that he is in fear of her in order for this to work.  Sounds awful, but it works!  

IF she is admitted to the assisted living, they probably won't keep her if she refuses to take meds.  So you really should do this before the admission so she goes in peacefully.  

I do believe that your dad's health is suffering due to this.  I see it every week.  There are studies that show that caregivers die before the patients due to the stress!  So don't delay!  

Remember you are not separating the "high school sweethearts" you are separating a diseased head from him.  She needs this for her illness.  If she had a broken arm you would not hesitate to cast it.  This is the "cast" for her disease.  

Good luck and let me know how it goes.  Be persistant!  Do not let them tell you to just take her home.  Tell them that will NOT WORK!  Paula