Expert: Michalene Peticca - 9/6/2008

Question
My grandmother is having memory issues, she has not yet been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s yet. I spent two months with her this summer and I have a planned visit again in a few weeks. I just want to know how to best to help her when she get mad or upset when she can’t remember something. I would like to not hurt her feeling.
I understand she can't control her behavior, she forgets I have food allergies and have developed diabetes due to other health issues and get mad and yells at me when I can't eat something. She also get mad and yells at anyone who is near when she can't find something in the kitchen or something  or use the can opener. She will clam that someone in the house has moved the given object or the can opener is a piece of junk when either me or my grandfather can walk in a use it without a problem. She lives with my parents and my grandfather. My mom allowed to organizes the kitchen when they moved in with my parents and they do try really hard to put everything back in the same place. When we go out - she will state over and over again she has never been somewhere she has been 100 times, she doesn't remember visiting my apartment.
I know if possible allow her to find the missing word she can't figure out, I try really hard not to take the yelling at me personally it is just very hard to see her memory going. She doesn't "know" she is losing her memory, she saw pictures of family member and some she didn't know. My mom has tried to get her medication to help but my grandmother refuses to take anything. My grandfather would like to see her on one of the memory medications. If there anything I can do when I visit to make the visit easier for me, is there a better way of dealing with her when I can’t eat something and she gets mad at me. If my mom is home it helps with this but my parents are going away for the weekend which is why I am visit to give them a needed break.  

Answer
Hello Becky,

Thank you for writing.  It is wonderful that you continue a relationship with your grandmother and want to help her.

Being quiet is the most effective way...yet, it is one of the hardest things to do.   

I would suggest you bring the foods that you can eat to your grandmother's house, or make the meals that you can eat - just tell her YOU are helping her and not mention your health conditions.

As you've noticed, routine and consistantcy are the key to keeping her calm and feeling in control. Any changes in her environment are going to have a big impact on her.   

Do activities with her that she can enjoy...cut pictures out of a magazine, go for a short walk, read to her, sing with her.  TV is not really good because many memory impaired folks think that TV is real and actually happening at that moment.

Medication can be given in food, if that is what your family desires to do, i would encourage your grandfather to check with their physician as to what is recommended and tell him/her the resistance your grandmother is giving to taking it.

Just agree with your grandmother.  If the sky is purple...the sky is purple.  Do NOT correct her....she will not understand.

Patience and a bit of creativity will go a long way!

Best Regards,

Michalene Peticca, MA