Expert: Michalene Peticca - 9/11/2008

Question
Hi Michalene,
My mom has Alzhiemers and at this time she lives in a house with my son-in-law in the basement. Her short term memory is getting worse and worse and I am concerned about her living situation where she is alone during the day (My son-in-law works all day). I do have home-care in place checking in on her everyday and I go over most evenings. I have tried to discuss with her about moving to an assisted living residence and she is totally against it. She thinks that we are going to put her there and just leave her. (I think this goes back to what happened to my grand-mother 25 years ago, when my parents had to leave my grandma at the hospital and walk away from her to get her medical care). I think she is dealing with the guilt that she felt 25 years ago when she had to do this, and thinks we are doing the same. I try to explain that things are different now and so are the assisted-living accomodations, but she will not have any part of it. She even tells me that she would kill herself if I put her there. I do not know how to deal with this. Should I even be discussing it with her? I know the fear that she is dealing with and I always reassure her that she would not be abandonded. I promised her when my dad died two years ago that I would do my best to keep her wishes to live on her own as long as I could. I know that her safety must come first, and I try not to let my own emotions get in the way. I just want to try and keep her wishes as long as I can but I know that soon, she will not be able to do this alone. How would you approach the subject of Assisted Living? Or would you just leave it alone and do what you have to when the time comes? Thanks for your help.  Candace

Answer
Hello Candance,

Thank you for writing.  This sounds like a difficult time for you and i applaud your willingness to do with is right for your mother.

While you do have her care in place, it sounds like she may be requiring extra need for safety.   This is the time, and i think you feel it as well, that you need to consider alternative living before anything might happen to her.  Additionally, while you do have home care coming in i ask families if they want to continue worrying about whether an agency person is going to show up and what they have in place in case they do not have that person to check in on their loved one?  

Assisted Living gives peace of mind.  And, that, in itself..is priceless.  However, there are lots of other perks including peer socialization - which she seems to lack somewhat and the ability for you & your family to have quality visits at the Assisted living or taking her out to eat, etc. instead of strained visits talking about her, her condition, her safety, etc. etc.   Imagine enjoyable conversation about topics of interest to her over a nice dinner at a local restaurant.  Or time putting scrapbooks together, decorating her room, etc.   

I think moving to an Assisted Living is not going to be easy...and i think you just have to Tell you that she is going to move, because you love her, you worry for her safety, you feel she will eventually adjust and you want your relationship with her to be the best it can be.

Expect the worst...expect the tears and anger....but, remember, each day Will get better.   

I suggest you tour an Assisted living you like, arrange ahead and do paperwork completion before the day you move your mother.  Then, you will tell her about 3-4 days prior to moving and on the day you move her....spend the Whole day with her unpacking, decorating her room, eating meals with her, etc.   

It's not easy...it's never easy....but i know you'll be strong and do the right thing for your mother.

Best regards,

Michalene Peticca, MA