Expert: Mary Gordon - 1/4/2009

Question
What do I say,that anyone in this situation has not already felt, and terribly regrets anyone who is or has been diagnosed with Alzheimer. The anguish is only lessened by the continuing strengthening of the Lord second by second now, not even a minute by minute. My cell phone, "for the Nursing Home Only", is by me all the time and rings a lot for updates. I'm over 900 miles alway, waiting for them to call me to come, hopefully before she leaves. My Mother is 93 less 2 1/2 months. Hospice is already envolved. The Nursing Home is a God-send from the beginning to now. I've read some of your answers and have truly been blessed. A repetitive hearing and reading of what to expect and go through seems to be a robotic way of life but each time it's a greater help than words can describe. I too have relatives in denial.  Some just ignore. Not sure which is the worse. How I feel or how they will hold up when that time comes which is apparently going to be very soon. She is now "only kept comfortable" with as little pain as possible. I realize this may be long, I just wanted to tell you "Thank You" for this site and the many areas and stages you have listed by so many precious souls going through such a unspeakable hard time. Your site has added so many to my prayer time. Thank you so much. God Bless you and yours in Jesus Name†

Answer
Hi Andrea,

My heart really goes out to you - I know this is such a harrowing stage for everyone who loves your mother. The one blessing is that this stage is harder on you and others she will leave behind, than on her. It is merciful that she is not self aware, and is not really conscious of her own situation - she is like a tiny baby being rocked gently in the arms of the love that surrounds her.  You will look back at this, and know you did the right thing by her. You may even find that you have done so much of the grieving for her during her journey through dementia, that when the end comes, you can view it as a release for her, and be at peace about your loss.  

She has led you to consider the meaning and impermanence of life. Her situation has also led you to consider how she has contributed to everyone's lives - and to value of all the wonderful memories from her long life of caring. These are lessons not all of us have the opportunity to learn. It's painful, but it helps us grow in love and our faith, in wonderful ways. You know that right now is all any of us has, so we need to use our time wisely, make every moment of the journey count, and love our friends and family with everything we have.

Thinking of you - hang in, peace is coming.

Mary G.