Expert: Alanna Shaikh - 1/27/2009

Question
This is a hard one - my mother, although not officially diagnosed, (she won't go to the doctor) lives alone - (my dad died a year ago) is a nasty, paranoid, combative woman who believes her family is trying to make her think she's crazy and put her in a home. She will not leave her house.  Her car was impounded last summer (she was pulled over for running a red light - she couldn't find the right paperwork but the officer sensed she really shouldn't be driving, (a blessing)- she is 84  she has NO short term memory - and she blames me (an only child) for EVERYTHING -she says I made it all happen - no one calls or goes to see her (not true - she just doesn't remember) - she's called the police on me and said I stole her car - leaves nasty accusatory messages at least 10 times a day (I have her number blocked directly to voice mail - it's that bad) - I am at my wits end. I've had Social Services go to evaluate her and she musters up every bit of strength within and recites her soc security number - talks about dead people from her past like they live down the street and totally snowed the Visiting Nurse and case worker.  When I told them the reality - they replied that she's still continent - she has mobility - there's really nothing they can do - my mother convinced them she's "all alone" and nobody cares.  I live out of state and frankly I don't go see her often because she is so NASTY - My cousins look in on her as well as a caregiver 3 times a week so she is not alone - I also have food delivery going every week.  I've been told by my Dr to just leave her be -- the time will come when I do need to step in and then I can do what has to be done.  I'm really not a bad person - I just can't take the stress (I have MS and am not in the best of health either) - she is my mother but she was never a "mom" - I can't feel compassion for her anymore - I am just so numb.  Do other people go through this and if so how DO they cope?

Answer
Dear NancyRose,

What an absolutely horrible situation for you to be in. It sounds like you are doing your best in an extremely difficult context. I think your mother's doctor is correct. She still has enough autonomy that she can't be declared incompetent, and it sounds like her quality of life is as good as can be expected.

I'm not surprised you are feeling numb. It is a pretty common defense mechanism in a situation like this. You are not a bad person for feeling this way. Follow you own judgment about your moral responsibilities to you mother, but you are not obligated to feel any specific way. Frustrated and angry is a totally legitimate way to feel.

Please feel free to write again if I can offer any additional help or advice.

Best,
Alanna