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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Senior Health > Alzheimer`s Disease > My ex husband
Expert: Paula Damgaard - 10/31/2009
Question
I have been divorced for almost nine years from the father of my two children who are 10 and 12. They spend every other weekend with him and have been doing so for more then two years when he moved near us. We don't have a bad relationship but we don't hang out together either. He was laid off from his job more then a year ago and I no longer receive help financially for the kids which has been tough. Over the last two months things have gotten a little overwhelming for all involved because of interventions from myself, his brother and sister (who are his only family other then a 21 year old son)my ex has been diagnosed with mild to moderate stages of Alzheimer. It all makes sense to me now....losing his job and unable to get another, the constant questions over and over, the girls not wanting him to be involved in anything where he would have to be responsible for them. My girls have been told two weeks ago that dad has this and that he forgets things but I don't know what else to say. I don't want to scare them. Please help. I don't know what to do. They sort of know what this means because Grandpa had it and they seen him a lot. It is early onset as it was for his father. My ex just turned 53. I have been searching the web and I can't find much help dealing with young children with a parent suffering. I am afraid because his sister and brother live in another state, my ex moved here to be near the girls but I can't take care of him because first of all we are divorced for a reason, second of all I am raising the girls myself now and having to work two jobs to do it. I also have his sister and brother trying to guilt me into taking it on.
I guess what I need from you is information on how to proceed with my children and also how to proceed with his family trying to push me into taking care of him out here. I hope I don't sound cold hearted, I know that is what some people think of me.
Answer
Rhonda,
First of all you are NOT cold hearted!! If you ask me his siblings are the coldhearted ones! Your ex husband is not your responsibility. It is unfortunate that this has occurred and I am sorry your girls have to see this. My suggestion is for you to go to your local Alzheimer's Association they have volumes on how to deal with dementia and children. As always honesty is the best policy and you should answer your girls questions when they ask, remembering that not always do they want technical answers, but mostly reassurance. Remind them that the behaviors he portrays are not voluntary that they are disease driven. That when he says things that are hurtful that they are not coming from Dad, but from disease. That is going to be the hard part. Especially since kids want their dad to remember things like birthdays etc and he won't be able to.
Let me know if you can't get info from your Alzheimer's Association and I will see what ours has. And tell your ex inlaws to come get him or send BIG bucks!! My guess is that they are probably scared that this could be them next and don't want to deal with it.
Paula
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