Expert: Paula Damgaard - 11/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: My step-mom has early stages of Altzheimers and she called me this morning accusing me of stealing a roast and a pack of hot dogs from her freezer.  I was so upset.  I can't believe she would do this and when I told her I didn't take anything from her freezer she proceeded to tell me she would have to tell my father then.  This is crazy.  A year ago she accused my son of stealing a $3,000 ring of hers only to be found about 3 months ago.  But she still treats my son like he stole the ring?  It makes no sense to me.

ANSWER: Denise, you can't make sense out of a senseless disease.  It is unfortunate.  The best way to deal with her is to say your sorry.  Does it really matter in the long run if you are or not?  She cannot control what she says or thinks.  When she is saying these things it is disease talking.  When she called you about the roast and hot dogs you could have said something like, don't you remember that you asked me to cook them for Thanksgiving/Sunday dinner/whatever?  She is not going to want to admit that she doesn't remember something.  

Unfortunately, you will never be able to make her believe something she thinks otherwise.  So the best thing to do is head it off in the pass, lie, cheat or steal whatever you have to do to make it believable.  She just needs to "feel justified".  Try and remember that it is a disease.  Not her.  Remember the good times you had with her and move on.  This is going to be a long haul and the only way to get through it is with humor.  It is too bad that when the ring was found that your son wasn't the one to "give" it back to her.  Then at least she would see
"where" it was.  

I hope she is getting treatment and that she is able to talk to someone about her fears.  Believe me she has many.  

I hope this helps.  Let me know if you need anything else.  Take care of yourselves.  Paula

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The thing is, she brought it up again last night and said that when my dad comes home from the hospital she is going to tell him.  I asked her if maybe he had moved it to the other freezer and she said she will ask him.  When I asked if maybe she had cooked it, her response was, "I'm bad, but I'm not that bad yet."  As for the ring, she was the one that found it in her drawer.  I just don't want my dad to believe her like he did with the ring.  It has caused a lot of stress in the family.

Answer
Unfortunately you can't change her mind.  If your dad is believing everything she says over you then you have a bigger problem.  He is going to have to come to the realization that this is disease talking and not her.  Until he sees that you are in for a rough ride.  If I were you I would say, sorry I forgot to tell you about the roast and hot dogs and I am bringing them back to you later.  Solves a lot of issues.  

If she remembers that you were going to bring them to her get a pack of hot dogs and bring them over, isn't that worth it?  Sure beats all this angst.  Paula