Expert: Mary Gordon - 8/26/2009

Question
my mother is 84 years old.She has moved 4 times in the last 6 yrs because she thinks the next door neighbor is sneaking into her house at night or has control of her TV and toliet. If something breaks she thinks they did it. In the new place she says the lady upstairs is tapping her phone and has removed part of the ceiling so she can hear what my mother is talking about. She gets very upset when we tell her that she is paranoid and has to go see a Dr. What should we do?

Answer
Hi Susan, this is very likely to be the result of a short term memory deficit - which may or may not be related to a dementia. You are treating her as though she was rational - which she clearly is not. Don't try to argue with a person who very likely has a damaged brain, or at least has some altered thinking going on. It's pointless. Write the doctor a note explaining exactly what is going on and how long it has been happening - and mail it or fax it to him. If he has that in his hands, he can't ignore it, and he will have to do some exploring.

Once the doctor has been alerted to just what is happening, make an appointment for her, and take her there. Tell her whatever white lie you have to tell her to get her there. Maybe she needs a physical for insurance purposes. Maybe it's a routine visit she's forgotten about. Whatever. Bribe her with a nice lunch, a movie, a shopping trip, a visit to grandkids. Cajole, pat, soothe, flatter, distract, reassure, divert....get her in the car and get her over there. We actually "swarmed" my mother in law a few times - a bunch of relatives came over and before she knew what was happening we had in her in the car and in the doctors office. You know your mom, do whatever will work.

Just don't get into trying to reason with her. Don't nage her. Don't confront her, don't argue, don't get her back up. You are the adult with the intact mind, so find a way around her and get her to some help. The day will never come when she can see what is apparent to all of you who love her. She has no self insight, and there is nothing you can do about that - so she is never going to agree with you or give you permission to arrange help.

Here is a good article that explains the different types of memory and how they can be affected.
http://www.alzheimer.guelph.org/downloads/12%20pt%20Understanding%20the%20Dement...

You don't mention what other symptoms or challenges your mother may be going through. No matter what, even if she isn't in early dementia from something like Alzheimer's, her mind certainly isn't functioning normally, and it's a worry. You can't be sure she is safe living alone if she is so out of touch with reality, and I know that must be a concern.

I hope someone in the family has a valid power of attorney for personal care decisions for her, so they can discuss what is going on face to face with the doctor  - if your mother has memory problems, she won't recall what she is told (or may not be able to accept it and thus will deny it). At the very least, you need to understand what the cause of this is, so you and the doctors can figure out what can be done to help her. It must be very distressing for her to be so upset and agitated all the time,and she doesn't have to be in this misery. If they can't reverse or stop what is happening to her, they certainly can make her more comfortable and happier.

Be creative and sneaky if you have to!! This is about her health and safety and that trumps everything else.

Hope this helps. You will feel a lot better if you understand what you are looking at - then you can start to figure out what needs doing. She's lucky to have caring children worried about her.

Mary G.