Expert: Mary Gordon - 1/26/2010

Question
Hi Mary

My Mum hasn't eaten for nearly 3 weeks and not had any fluids for about 4 days.  Before she stopped eating she was only 48 kilos but I imagine she's way below that now.  She seems to have lost the ability to swallow now.  When she tries to swallow she seems to panic when she finds she is unable to do so but I manage to calm her down by stroking her forehead.  

When she's not sleeping she seems quite distressed and agitated although I don't think she's in pain, although she has pain medication just in case.   I've asked the nursing home to ask the doctor if she could maybe have some light sedation whenever she seems to be in distress.

It's so upsetting to watch her go through this.  I've read that she could go on for another 2-3 weeks.  Surely her body can't withstand no food or water for that length of time?

I just pray she doesn't suffer too much longer.

Pam

Answer
Hi Pam, I know this is difficult to watch - but hang in, hold tight.  I truly believe that you are suffering much more than she is.

She may feel some physical sensations, but I doubt she knows what they mean, and she is past the point where she can torment herself with worries. You are doing everything kind and loving and comforting you can - you are making sure she is compassionately cared for. You are making sure they keep her as peaceful and serene as possible.  You are ensuring that pain and distress are kept at bay. You are there for her.  She's like a baby cradled in the love of those around her.

It is amazing, and sometimes dismaying to see them live on. It is a testament to the strength of her life force - sometimes they seem to exist on pure will power. It won't be long before she will be at rest. My mother in law was similar. The final spiral was about 6 weeks in length, during which she took in so very little, and less and less with time. We could not believe she lasted as long as she did - it is not an easy process for those who have to watch and wait.

Love her, and hold her hand, and whisper in her ear everything you need to tell her - even if you don't think she hears, she does. You won't be sorry for having done so. She must have been very much loved.

Thinking of you.

Mary G.