Expert: Paula Damgaard - 1/18/2010

Question
My mother had been living with me and suffering from I believe was dementia (she would have no part of even telling the doctor she was having bouts of repeating and forgetting and having hallucinations)It was a very difficult time and was basically a prisoner in my own home but I love my mom and took care of her until she had a stroke and had to be placed in a nursing facility. While there she at times would get violent and upset but basically couldn't even have a conversation.  After being there a month she developed a bed sore which know has gotten so bad she is bed ridden doesn't want to eat or drink and is basically is being kept alive by IV. I love my mom so but seeing have this quality of life is taking such a toll on me I don't want see her leave me yet seeing her existing like that is horrid.  However as horrible as this is to say her vitals are good.  How can this be?
Patti

Answer
Hi Patti,

This disease is your right, horrible.  The problem is that the disease slowly works its way through the brain destroying all of the bodily functions.  The immune system is generally the last thing that goes.  So if she was a healthy woman previously then it will take longer.  

I know you said you aren't ready for her to leave you, but really hasn't she left you already?  Are you really giving her the best quality of life she deserves?  I think not, giving her the IVs and treating her for every infection does nothing but give her quantity of life.  So keeping her alive is really for you, which if you really look at that is that a bit selfish?  Would you want someone to do this to you?  

I know this is a hard decision, but if you ask yourself honestly, if your mom could see herself now is this the life she would want?  If you can honestly say yes, then continue.  If you find yourself saying no, which I would think is the honest answer, then tell her physicians that you only want comfort care and to stop doing the IVs.  She will not be in any pain if she doesn't eat.  Her appetite stimulus that would have told her she is hungry was long ago destroyed by the disease.  

Please let me know how you are doing.  Be brave.  Paula