Expert: Mary Gordon - 12/21/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi Mary,

Is it ok to continue discussions, as something else has happened.  

I went to my doctor and told him what happened to her mental state overnight, and he said to take her to the emergency at the hospital, but I don't like my chances of getting her there.  He suggested she needs a CT brain scan in case she had a stroke.

She's got her back up about me complaining about her behaviour since going to the doctor last week.

She appears to be clear in her communication, but its very very subtle.

Her brother rang up and complained about me ringing him.

She said we will all go to the doctor next week and talk about whats been happening.

But I'm too scared to tell the doctor, because she and my sister will have a go at me, after we leave.

I feel like giving in, and not pursuing it any further, and wait  until it gets worse, because I can't go through the reaction that she and my sister will have after the meeting with the doctor, if its anything like last week.

Jane

ANSWER: Jane, I really think you need to lay off for a while. You've reached the point where instead of thinking your mother has a problem, your family is more focused on your behavior, which they see as a problem now. I know it's hard, but I agree with your mother's idea that you all go to the doctor together and talk about what has been happening. If it's possible, focus on relaxing and enjoying the holiday season and try to stop obsessing about every tiny thing your mother does. You are giving your family ammunition to suggest that you are not well emotionally, and I don't think that is your intent. Hope this helps.

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QUESTION: Hi Mary
Thank you for your comment, I'll lay off.

I've got 2 counselling sessions lined up this week, which may help, because I have been in the dark with the change over the past week.

The reason my doctor said to take her to the hospital, because there would be a social worker attached to her case.  I think we would need that as there's 6 others involved, all wanting their input into her best interests, and especially for my younger sister.

I'm just worried if she doesn't get treatment, she might have a 2nd stroke, if in fact it was a stroke that she had last week.

But, you know what, I am also in grief at the loss and denial that she isn't going to get better, and feeling really lonely.

Jane

ANSWER: I think it's a good idea to go to some counselling to deal with your fears and anxiety, and again, to do as your mother suggests, and go with her to the doctor next week.  Have a great holiday and try not to think about all of this, but focus on positive events and relationships.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Mary

Here's the latest, I went to the doctor, he said shes got low blood pressure, but nothing else is wrong.

So I am encouraging her to go to another doctor for a second opinion on Thursday.  

When I thought things couldn't get worse: In her fit of anger against me last week, she cancelled her Power of Attorney of which I and my sister were nominated.  Now we have to make an application for an administrator to be appointed.  

Then, I found out she has taken out a loan and mortgaged her unit.  The public trustee said they will have to sell the unit to repay the mortgage and use the funds to buy another unit or put her in a nursing home.

Things are not looking good.
Thanks again for your advice.
Anyway have a Merry Christmas
Jane

Answer
You may or may not be religious, but the Serenity Prayer applies.

God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

I know it's hard, but have faith that things will work out, and try not to worry and obsess. Being enmeshed in and addicted to - and even provoking - family drama is not healthy for anyone.  I know you have your own struggles, but I would seriously consider moving out if it is possible, to give yourself some distance, perspective and peace, since living in the middle of it is not doing you any good if you can't accept that what is going on is not under your control. You can only manage you. Focus on getting well and being happy and let the rest go.