Expert: Alanna Shaikh - 4/12/2010

Question
Hi,
My name is Kristen.   I have been with my husband for 5 years and only married for a few months.  I have lived with my husband as well as my 15 year old daughter about 2 years prior to our marriage.  I knew that I was the basic caregiver for my mother in law prior to our marriage.   We have had some help with some health care providers but they are never consistent with their hours.  I'm an investigator and work well over 40 hours a week between being on the road and working at home.  That doesn't mention, coming home, taking care of the house, the laundry and my daughter as well as my husband.

Many times I have told, or I guess threatened my husband that I just don't want to care for his mother any more.  He truly, does nothing to help him unless I get so angry at him, he will basically get my diapers for her or maybe turn down her bed or maybe put dinner on the table for her, while he is watching tv in between.  I'm at my wits end and for the first time tonight, I had it.  He left to go to the store, after I had been with her and caring for her the whole weekend while he was out fishing, and running errands.  Tonight, when he left, she had eaten and she was on the couch, I texted him and basically told him that he now was her responsibility and he said that I was making him choose between his mother and me.  I told him that I was not.  However; he choose to keep her at home, when she really needs 24 hour a day care 7 days a week, he chooses not to care for her and he has not given me a choice and has left it up to me.  

At this time, I truly am in love with my husband and our issues really revolve around his lack of caring for his mom and leaving the burden to me and I just can't take it any more.  

I at a loss of words right now and he just doesn't seem to hear what I'm saying or he says that because her elder program doesn't follow through like they are suppose to that I'm punishing him.  Which I'm not but I just don't want to have the responsibility any more of changing her soiled diapers or dealing with her volatile behavior at times or her argumentative state.  

Please, I'm begging any to help me to save my marriage and I'm looking for guidance to help my husband under stand where I am coming from!!!!!!

Thanks....Kristen Leblond.

Answer
Dear Kristen,

This is such a terrible situation. I am really impressed you have been able to handle it up to this point and I am not surprised you are at wit's end right now.

I can't tell you what is going in in your husband's mind. He might think that caring for his mother is harder for him than for you. He might think that it's womens work to provide care like this. Or he might just be in denial. I am not sure it makes much difference, though.

You need him to understand that the situation as it is simply cannot continue. It seems like he reacts badly to ultimatums - he knows you love him and don't want to follow through on threats.

One question to think about - what do you want to happen? Do you want your husband to take over 100% of his mother's care? 50%? 25%? Do you want her to go into a care facility and out of your house? You need to know your goals to advocate for them.

You may have already tried this, but I would suggest you do two things. First of all, get him our of the house, away from his mother, and into a neutral place. Ideally a restaurant, or somewhere else you can sit for a while and you both feel comfortable. (My family used to have all our discussions about my father at IHOP.) Then tell him in a calm way how hard that this is for you. If your health or career is being affected, describe that. Don't blame him or tell him you want things to change. Just describe what this life is doing to you, and then ask if he can think of any way to make this better. He might - might - come to the realization that you need help.

Next, I would suggest you plan a trip for yourself (ideally for work). Your husband needs some time caring for his mother full-time. He can't understand what it is like until he does it.

After that, try suggesting what you want to change. Ask for what you need and see if he is willing to provide it. If he's not, then you need to decide for yourself if you can go on living this way and then leave if you have to. (but you already knew that).

I am so sorry you are stuck in this terrible situation, and I really am impressed you've cared for your mother in law for so long. Please let me know how this turns out for you.

best,
Alanna