Expert: Mary Gordon - 4/21/2010

Question
Mary,
   I thank God you are here for all of us. My Mom is in a NH and has been for almost 2 years now ,she is in stage 7 . She is only 72 years old and when my sister and i was visiting her today i noticed her skin under her eyes looked yellow what could cause this? She can still walk on her own but she is bent down some what,she can no longer eat solid foods and she is in depends.It is so hard seeing her go down so fast. We stopped all labs because whats the point of putting her through all that when the end outcome is the same. I'm loosing my mom and i hate to see her walk around lost and with strangers all the time .Some times when i go see her she acts scared of me shes not known me for years now it just kills me i know she is past knowing whats going on with her .Thank God for that .Any way thank you for being here and helping me get through this .

           sandy

Answer
Hi Sandy, I know this is awful. It's so unfair. She didn't deserve to have this happen to her and you don't deserve to have to lose her like this. She's too young to have lost so many good years to this disease. It's just rotten that she isn't getting to enjoy what should be her golden years.

In her mind, she has probably gone back to somewhere when she was little, so she won't think of herself as old enough to be a mom - let alone have a middle aged daughter. And I know you know, some days she may realize you are at least a family member, and others she won't know. Sometimes they will see themselves in a mirror and get scared because they don't recognize the old person looking back at them. I know you know she is going to have good days and bad days, and even be better or worse during the course of a single day, depending on how tired she is, how stressed, hungry, overwhelmed, whatever. It's very hard on loved ones to not be recognized.  

For a while, my mother in law thought I must be her sister who was much older than me - probably because my mother in law knew I was familiar and family somehow. Given that she often thought my husband (her son) was HER husband. I guess she figured I had to be her sister - LOL - who the heck else could I be?

I know you wish you could protect her from what is happening to her. All you can do is what you are doing. Loving her and doing little things to make her life brighter and more comfortable, and maybe bring her a little enjoyment and happiness.  

If there is a doctor who visits the nursing home, you might want to ask him about the yellow color under her eyes. I know you don't want to subject her to a lot of poking and prodding and bother, but  it could be a sign of a liver problem - or it could be nothing or something else entirely. i If it worries you, it is worth asking about. As long as it doesn't seem to be bothering her, and she doesn't seem to be hurting or upset, it might not be worth doing much about, even if the doctor has some thoughts about cause.

Have you talked to the nursing home about palliative programs or hospice? She may not be at that point just yet, but I think probably in the next year or so, and it might make you feel better if you had some idea about what kind of care there might be for her in the last stage. I know you worry for her and want her kindly and compassionately treated.

Look after yourself. You sound like you could use a hug!

Thinking of you.

Mary G.