Expert: Michalene Peticca - 5/31/2010

Question
My father is turning 83 in June. He has the symptoms of moderate Alzheimer. I cannot get him to go to a psychiatrist for assessment. I cannot get his medical doctor to fill out the form needed to get him declared incompetent. I have consulted with an attorney in Denton County (Denton Texas area) and he said get the doctor to fill out this medical form and bring it back to me. The lawyer also said it is very hard to get some one judged incompetent. Takes a lot of money and time, also most of the time if he knows only his name I lose the case and he continues to do what he wants. His medical doctor said he does not fill out papers like that. I told him my Dad is making poor choices. He refuses home health care, takes his own meds (which is scary because he is on Coumadin and has been hospitalized for 5 days about 2 months ago for taking too much). My mother could not take his verbal abuse and she has moved to an assisted living and is dealing with bladder cancer and soon to start up her chemotherapy again. My Dad said he is fine and to leave him ?*%26#?@#! alone and to stay out of his life. I have contacted Adult Protective Services, but they said if he has shelter, money for utilities, food they really see nothing wrong. Yes, he has those things-but he is taken advantage of by the neighbors who do methamphetamines and ask him for money several times a day. He forgets he gives them the money and they come over and get another $20 another $10. My mother tried to get the neighbor drug addicts away but the police say if my Dad wants them over there that is his right and they can do nothing. Even though my mother had NO TRESPASSING paperwork and signs posted (PER POLICE DEPARTMENT OF ARGYLE TEXAS WHERE HE LIVES). I live almost 2 hours away and work full time. I am in disbelief how hard it is to get someone help when they are in the stages of dementia.My mother has a revocable living trust-but that is no good until he is legally declared incompetent. Do we wait until he is incontinent and drooling and then take him to court? My mother is so mad she is wanting to divorce him-which she needs not to do because she needs the health insurance he carries. He will not go into home of any sort. He has lost 20# over the last 6 weeks because my mother is no longer there to cook for him. I am exhausted from dealing with this and I expect it to get worse.

Answer
Hello Arleta,

My goodness, i am so very sorry for all the turmoil in your family right now.  That has got to be all encompassing for everyone involved.

I am perceiving that you are asking how you balance taking care of your mother with trying to take care of your father and what else you can do for either at this point.

Let me first start by saying, one of the golden life lessons i have finally learned is that there are some situations out of your control and instead of you continually "forcing" an issue and trying to be proactive and solve the issue.......standing back and knowing in your heart that helping when the pieces fall down is just as fair.  

That said, have some peace with your father.  It sounds like you've done all you can do.  Pray and let things happen as they will. The doctor, police and APS have all been involved, that is as far as you can go.   Save your energy and help your father if he ends up in the hospital and THEN you'll be able to direct his care and what happens to him.

Your mother.....one last try to help her through your local County Assistance office.  Go there and explain what is happening.  Explain that she is in an Assisted living and your father is still at home.  You want help in being able to "garnish" or "keep" your mom's 1/2 of assets that she is entitled to:  (including their house, their personal possessions, bank acct. $$, etc) and explain what is happening.  Hopefully a "caseworker" will be assigned to your mom and he/she can be your aide to help with financial aide, etc.

I too feel we truly do have a "broken" system for our geriatric population; whether it be healthcare, protective services, etc.  so i understand your frustration.

I hope you find the inner peace to focus on your mom and help her through this all.  Wait for the time to help your dad and just keep strong.

Best Regards,

Michalene Peticca, MA