Expert: Mary Gordon - 8/7/2010

Question
QUESTION: Mary, i took my husband to the Dr today and well to make a long story short he told the Dr he didn't need any test and he wouldn't take any test. the Dr said he cant force my husband to corroborate . he said maybe after my husband gets worse he might be able to help but the way he is right now unless my husband was willing to take meds and listen to what the Dr says there isn't much that can be done . my husband told him that he wasn't crazy and he wouldn't be back .so now what am i going to do? im so mad because i thoughts the Dr would help but i guess i was wrong. does this mean i just set back and watch my husband drift further away from me? i ask the Dr to talk to my husband for me but instead now my husband is mad at me and thinks i am trying to say he is going crazy . i feel like im backed in a corner. the Dr wouldn't even give my husband any meds because he wont take them anyway.  
  thanks for trying to help   ...sandy

ANSWER: You might want to contact the local Alzheimer's Association to find out about supports in your area. It might help to talk to others in the same shoes and see if they have any ideas.

Did the doctor at least try to deal with his heart issues? Even that would help - after all, if his heart was functioning better, his mind might be clearer.

I would still try with his cardiac specialist to see if he has any thoughts.

Whether or not he will see a doctor, I would see a lawyer and make sure all both your legal paperwork is completely up to date (including current benficiaries for wills and insurance policies, that there are valid powers of attorney in place for personal care and financial decisions etc.) AND that you know where everything is (all bank accounts, all assets, all keys to safety deposit boxes, wills, powers of attorney, insurance policies, pension papers). Get everything organized. You may need a financial planner to help to get everything in order and easy to manage. oIf he has a progressive dementia, he may not be able to legally sign papers much longer, and you need to know everything is in order. You might also want to find out what he may qualify for in terms of supports, programs and subsidies once he needs more care. You need to know the rules about medicaid and medicare where you live to protect yourself.

Mary


Mary

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: the dr. told my husband that he needed to run some test for his heart but my husband said no he would not have any test run and he wouldnt take any more meds. i guess my husband dont care about the fact he would be leaving me. he is the love of my life but it looks like he dont feel the same way about me. i guess i will just set back and watch him drift away from me. i never dreamed our life together would end up like this. it is so heart breaking . as far as legal matters go all we have that i know of is our wills. but even there im not real sure about his.  i do know i will most likely loose every thing we have but i really dont care about that stuff i would give it up right now if i could keep him.i love him so much this is killing me.
    thanks for all your help    sandy

Answer
Sandy, you have a right to know what your financial and legal situation is. See a lawyer.

Taking care of him as he declines is not going to be cheap if he survives a while. He will need more care than you may be able to provide at home, and you may need to hire help, or even put him in a nursing home. A lawyer can help you plan out his care while saving as much of your assets for your own future. It is a very complicated area of law, and you will save money by seeing a lawyer.

You are still a young woman - 50's is not old - you have many years ahead of you and you need to know that you will not be in poverty because of his illness. A lawyer can help figure out the best plan.

You are upset now, and don't want to think about money, but you don't want to be working at Walmart when you are 80.

I think he does love you, but he is not thinking straight. Call the Alzheimer's Association and get some support. You will need people to talk to.

M.