Expert: Paula Damgaard - 9/28/2010

Question
My mother is 76 soon to be 77. She has Alzheimers. A few weeks ago she had a bladder retention and they had to put a cath in so we moved her to a assistant living. The cath is out but we want to keep her there and she is wanting to go home. She was not taking care of her self at home and is a safety risk to her self. We moved some of her furniture in to the assistant living place and now she is wanting us to take it bacf out. The family really feels this is where she needs to be and we have already moved my sister in her house to takle care of her dogs. Should we just tell her she is not going back home? How to handle all of this?

Answer
Hi Terry,

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy!  Especially with dementia patients!  She will never be able to see or admit that she can't take care of herself, in fact she will totally deny it to you!  She "thinks" she can do everything she was ever able to do.  You have a couple of choices.  If she really likes her doctor you can ask him/her to tell her she can't move back home, and then have him write it on a prescription pad so that you can show it to her whenever she brings it up again. Or you can devise a reason as to why she can't go home, like there is a gas leak in the house and you need to have to worked on, as soon as it is fixed you will move her back. You have to make it believable whatever you tell her.  

Lying is ok to do because they can't reason nor will they remember, but again if you don't do it convincingly she will catch you and then you will be in real trouble.  

One thing for sure - she is not going to just accept the fact that you think she isn't safe at home.  She is still after all the MOTHER!

Telling her something is wrong with the house is a little gentler than telling her she just can't go home again.  Gives her a little hope.  

I hope this works for you!  I know it isn't easy.  These folks take a lot of pride in owning their homes and having lived in them for so many years.

Take care of yourselves this is a long road!  Paula