Expert: Mary Gordon - 10/4/2011

Question
My husband's mom had AD, so we've known for years he may also get it eventually. The time is here and we're affected the same as others. His mom was living with us at the time of diagnosis  when she had to live in an AD facility. In this case I want to keep him at home as long as I can, so I'm facing day-to-day episodes I experienced before only when I visited her.  My goal is to make him feel loved and safe as long as I can. I'll learn by doing,but will your help. Having used All Experts for other needs, I know I'll able to count on you.
I hug my husband and tell him I will always be here for him. He's my top priority and I tell him that but he says he wants to die. He's so unhappy and doesn't understand why this had to happen.What can I say and/or do to help him understand that this is part of life and we'll work it out together.

Answer
Hi Carolyn, I hope your husband has been fully assessed by a neurologist or psychiatrist with a dementia specialist, so you know exactly what is going on with him in terms of diagnosis, prognosis and potential treatments. There are medications now that can help to slow down the progress in many people for some types of dementia. There are also reversible causes of confusion, so it is very important to have a full examination to rule out various health concerns.  

I also hope you have access to supports and advice on an ongoing basis. You are going to need medical supports in the form of doctors who understand dementia and can give you assistance with the kind of mood and behavioral issues your husband may encounter. Right now, it isn't surprising that he is feeling very anxious and depressed. I hope the doctors have discussed medications that might assist with this and make him more comfortable. Your husband shouldn't have to be miserable.

You will also need supports and services for you as caregiver. Did the doctor who diagnosed him suggest any local agencies or associations or other resources that might be available to you?

Here is a really good article that will give you some real insight into what he is going through. It is full of good ideas on how to approach some of the issues you will encounter, and how to understand he is not doing things on purpose.
http://alzheimer.guelph.org/downloads/12%20pt%20Understanding%20the%20Dementia%2

Another really great read is a paper back book called The 36 Hour Day, by Mace and Rabin, published by Warner.  This is the single best book on Alzheimer's I have ever read, so if you only buy one, this should be it.
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?client=safari&rls=en&q=the+36+hour+day&oe

I think all you can do is keep life as normal as possible, reassure him, distract him, keep him as busy as you can and love him as much as you can. He may have lost some things, but there is still so much he can do.

I think the article and this book will really help you.

He is lucky to have you looking out for him. Thinking of you.

Mary