Expert: Cindy Keith, RN, BS, Certified Dementia Practitioner - 11/2/2011

Question
My adopted grandmother is showing personality/behavioral changes in the sense that whenever I have seen her she becomes angry, agitated, paranoid, suspicious, has said "I hate you", "I never want to see you again" and called me a "Bitch". This language from a Christian woman who I have never heard cuss in her life. While I do have a friend (a pastor) who is going to look in on her to learn more about what's going on, I still feel like I can't just leave her. The facility where she lives doesn't acknowledge that anything is wrong. I have been told that I am not allowed to see her because that's my grandmother's request. I don't believe this to be true only due to the fact of the closeness of our relationship. We have been through a lot together, have her feelings toward me changed that much?

Answer
Hello Janna:  I'm so sorry to hear about this sudden change in your grandmother.  I'm sure it's very upsetting for you and I hope you get some answers soon.  I would ask her Power of Attorney--the person who makes her healthcare decisions--about her diagnosis.  If she doesn't have a dementia diagnosis (like Alzheimer's), then I would request that her doctor do a dementia work-up.  This sudden change in her personality is not normal.  The facility must be seeing some changes in her as well, and the POA can ask for a meeting with management to find out if there are changes, what are they and how long has it been going on.  You really cannot get far in your quest to find some answers unless the POA is willing to help you out.  The POA can also tell the facility that you are allowed to visit with her--but I wouldn't visit frequently, and at the first sign from her that she's upset, I would simply turn around and leave before she becomes agitated.  If it turns out that you really cannot visit her, I would send her letters.  In those letters I would reminisce about the wonderful things you shared with her over the years and keep it upbeat and happy at all times--never asking her if she still loves you or remembers you.  Even if she never responds to your letters, you would have the satisfaction of remembering all those wonderful memories of her.  This is a difficult situation for you Janna, and I hope you can work things out with the POA so that you can some day resume your visits.  If she does have some type of dementia, there is a good chance that as the dementia progresses, she will forget her paranoid feelings about you.  That is my prayer for you.  Cindy