Expert: Mary Gordon - 12/20/2011

Question
Mary, I don't really have questions at this point, thanks to all the good information and guidance you have so generously provided.  I just wanted to take the time to tell you how immensely helpful you have been to me throughout this continuing journey.  My mother is defying all conventional wisdom as happens sometimes with these totally (physically) healthy specimens.  The professionals say they have never seen anything like it--you know the story.  Nobody thought she would still be with us at this point.

Thank you so much.  I have read everything out there and so far your input is by far the best and most on target.  I just can't thank you enough.  I hope to be able to help others in the future.

Happy holidays to you and your family,

Leigh Loveday

Answer
Thanks for your kind words Leigh.

Our family was like all families faced with dementia. We were bewildered and distressed. With no prior experience to guide us, it took a long time to wrap our heads around the implications of her diagnosis. I look back at some of the things we tried in the early stages and I realize we just didn't "get"  what was happening to my mother in law - for example, writing out instructions for her VCR for her, or marking things on her calender, not realizing she couldn't understand what she was reading, tell time or read a calender. We also fell into the trap of thinking since she still looked and talked like herself, and had an intact personality, that she was still herself. We had unrealistic expectations of her based on who she had been prior to the illness striking, and then were perplexed when she couldn't cooperate. We took things personally when really she couldn't help being balky or cranky, because she was so much more impaired than we appreciated. So many, many hard lessons.

My poor dear mother in law was a lovely, gentle, quiet home-body. She was just the sweetest, shyest woman, and the soul of kindness. No one deserves what happened to her - or to your mother.  

When my mother in law finally reached the end of her journey, it was just so sad and desolate. We were left wanting to find some sort of meaning to it all. You can't make dementia into a positive, but you can ease the way for other caregivers faced with the same thing, by sharing what you have learned.

Wishing you peace in this holiday season.

Mary