Expert: Mary Gordon - 5/5/2011

Question
I just read something from "Cynthia" and this scenerio sounds exactly what my mom has been experiencing and what we as a family have been observing.  She lives alone, and over the last few years, has been forgetting where she places things and then accuses others of taking "her stuff".  She gets so upset thinking someone is doing this to her.  She spends a majority of her day inside cleaning and rearranging her "stuff".  I understand these things are important to her.  If I try to "reason" with her, she gets mad and thinks I'm siding with whoever took the things.  These are not necessarily expensive things, either.  Anything from coffee, toothbrush, papertowels, etc.  I have helped her look and find things, and when we find things, she will say the person must have brought them back.

She gets so upset and cries most of the day when she has these moments.  It is breaking her heart.  It is difficult to watch this happen and it has definitely progressed over time.  I know she doesn't feel like she has a purpose, and deep sadness takes over.

Thank you for your time,
Dee

Answer
Hi Dee, if you have not already done so, I would strongly urge you to get your mother to her doctor for a full checkup, a preliminary cognitive screen, and a referral to a neurologist or psychiatrist with a dementia specialist. The advice I gave to Cynthia back in 2009 applies to your situation. http://en.allexperts.com/q/Alzheimer-s-Disease-1005/2009/8/Paranoia-Aging.htm

It sounds very much like your mother has some serious cognitive impairment. Some causes are treatable and even reversible, and even the incurable and progressive causes can often be slowed down with medications.

You need to know what this is. You also need to know what lies ahead so you can make good plans for her future care. There are so many issues that need planning for as early as possible in the illness - legal, financial and practical concerns.

If she has a progressive dementia, she may already be more impaired than is obvious during social interactions. Quite often, if the person can still carry on a reasonable social conversation, their family may not realize that the person is impaired on many fronts that may not be readily apparent.

When my mother in law was diagnosed, if you had met her, you would have thought that she was a perfectly charming older lady with a few minor memory issues. However, my husband went with her to her full assessment (sort of like the tests you would put a child through looking for learning problems). It was shocking. However, it was really useful to us as a family, as it shook us out of complacency. We knew she would not be safe long in her current living arrangement, and that we needed to think through how we could keep her safe and happy, what our options might be, what money and other resources we could call on.

A good diagnosis from a proper specialist can also assist you in determining what you may be able to do to help her - to make her life better, to improve her mood, to assist her in activities of daily living.

I know this is frightening, but you really do need to get her assessed and diagnosed. She may already be at the point, where it is becoming quite dangerous for her to live alone. For example, if she is forgetful, she may leave a burner on under a pot and cause a fire, or leave the water running and cause a flood. She may have impaired judgement and get fleeced by an unscrupulous tradesman, or let a stranger in. She may go out and get lost. You would never forgive yourself if something dreadful happened because you did not really have all the information you needed to understand what was going on and adequately protect her.  

I'm thinking of you.

Mary