Expert: Michalene Peticca - 6/28/2011

Question
Hi Michalene,  I have just in the last three weeks moved my parents from their home in SC to my home in Texas.  My dad is 72 and my mother just turned 70.  My mom was diagnosed with dementia about 2 years ago and my dad has been her main caregiver.  My mother not only has dementia but with this she is what the doctor told us has ocd in regards to stealing and unfortunately the week before they moved she was caught at a local hairsalon.  We did not really know the severity until we pack there home and found all the items she has taken which is mainly beauty items or those items in the travel bins.  It is not hard to take her anyway in fear that she will steal.  My husband and I both work full time so my father is home with my mother and does not get out of the home and he is getting very burnt out.  We also on top of the dementia and stealing my mother has spinal stenosis and this cause my mom to lay around all day on my couch because here back hurts.  So we can not get here out to do anything like a walk, bike ride, etc.  My dad and I are at a loss at what to do to get here active and not just laying and watching TV all day.  HELP!!!!!

Answer
Hi Shannon,

Thank you for writing.  This sounds like a very difficult time for you and your family.

Let's begin with some background on Dementia.  While it is very noble and fantastic of you to have moved your parents in with you, any change in environment for a dementia person is extreme and will take months, if not a year, for her to adjust and "re-groove" the layout, routine in her mind.  Because she is in the early stages of Dementia, she will be able to do this, but it will take some time.   So, you are seeing a lot of behaviors that are exasperated because of the move.

Second, when a Dementia person collects items, it is not stealing, it is HOARDING.  They are not consciously "stealing" any items.  I will stand firm against the doctor's OCD thoughts.  
If anything like this happens while you are out shopping, please explain to the store owners that your mother has Dementia and is not aware of her want to hoard.  You may want to have a card or some type of verification/identification card that your mom is an Alzheimer's person.  Check with your Motor Vehicle department, or local Office of Aging, or even local Police station.  Sometimes they have identification cards (just like for children) that you can carry in case your mom is missing.

That said, i would suggest when you do take your mom shopping, you have her carry hair salon type items of her own.  Give her a brush or combs and give her a tote bag that has a zipper or closure on it (and have it closed!) for her to carry.  She will be less likely to pick up items if she already has things in her hand.  She may try to "substitute" items when she is shopping, but gently remind her that she already has what she needs.  

The key to taking care of your mom is GENTLE, Loving, Guiding, and Go with the Flow of things.  If she thinks the sky is purple....do NOT correct her.....ok, the sky is purple.   If she tells you about grandparent and how she's going to go there for dinner....OK, that sounds wonderful.   Does this make sense?   You CANNOT correct, change what she is saying.....her perception is Her Reality.    You'll only make her more anxious, more nervous.   Learn to Let go.

Now, with regards to your father.  i would strongly suggest you get to your local Office of Aging and see what services are available for them.   Even if they assign a caregiver to sit with your mom a couple times a week, it is important for your dad to get out of the house.  
You also might want to find out if there is a local Adult day center near you that you can take your mom to several times a week.  They are trained for having dementia folks and they offer a routine and all day care that again, will help your father have some time alone.  

Keep in touch and please go find some supports for your dad!

Best Regards,

Michalene Peticca, MA