Expert: Mary Gordon - 4/28/2007

Question
My parents are 87 and both in the nursing home. Dad has Parkinsons. He walks and feeds himself. He is basically their for my mother who is in late stage AD. She sleeps alot and has started to not want to eat.  She uses depends, but sometimes goes on her own.  My question is if it is OK to take them on drives.  She love to go around the lake and we will see deer and geese and she really seems to talk and enjoy it.  She asks to go and has never given me a problem having to go back to the nursing home.  My sister doesn't agree that it does her a world of good to get out.  She tells my Dad that taking her out brings on the days when she gets aggitated. She is so happy when we go and thanks me.  I love to hear her talk when see see things like a cow or flowers etc.  Am I wrong?  Does a change in weather get her upset?  It's like a week or better after I've had them out that she might do this.  My sister is very controlling and I don't like fighting with her, but my parents come first.  Thank you.  This is so hard to deal with but I know God has a plan.  My sister tells me I go to see them too much and that they need to depend on the nurses more.  This is all so new. I just want to do what is right.Thanks again.
Dee

Answer
Dee, heart and soul, I think you are doing the right thing.

You are going to lose both of them sooner than later, and this is as good as it gets. They aren't going to get stronger or more able to enjoy life - so today is what you've got. Seize it! If she gets pleasure out of seeing you, and being taken for a drive - then that is what you should do. If being taken out caused agitation, it would happen that day.

To give you a for instance, one of the last times we tried to take my mother in law home for a meal at our house. She flipped out entirely while the staff tried to get her dressed, wouldn't have her teeth in, didn't want her hearing aid, didn't want her coat. And then when she got out into the cold evening air and the dark and she went completely wild and wouldn't get into the car.  We did get her there eventually, but obviously going out was not good for her, and that was the last time we tried.

You aren't seeing this kind of thing with your mother, and I'm thinking its doing you good as well as her. There is so little left you can do for her - small things will be treasured memories. She'll be a long time gone when she dies, so by all means, go see her as much as  you like. It won't hurt her.

She's going to go down hill, and the awful day will come when she won't know you, won't care or know if she's being taken out, won't be able to talk to you, notice things, walk or do anything. But that day isn't here, so yes, show her you love her and do anything you can think of to make their lives a little warmer, a little happier, and a little brighter.

If she's getting agitated a week after you took her out, that has NOTHING to do with your drive. The agitation comes from accumulated stress - in a person with Alzheimer's who has no memory, the stress likely happened the same day the episode occurred.  Its kind of like a toddler tantrum. So, you'd have to watch carefully to see what brings it on. Usually its when too much is going on, or too many demands are being made on the person, at a time when their ability to cope is reduced. Many people notice for example, that when the person is tired, hungry, or stressed, or not feeling well is a bad time to chose to bathe them, or undertake other demanding activity. Many people with AD get wound up in the evening - again - they may be tired, there is a lot of bustle around them after dinner, its getting dark, they may not be able to see well - prime time for agitation.

Your mother will get worse as things progress - so use every moment you've got with her. You won't regret it - but you will regret it if you leave her alone, and then you lose her and realize you could have been there for her.

Thats my 2 cents worth anyway. No one can love her like you can - and at this point, that IS your job as her daughter.

Mary G.