Expert: Paula Damgaard - 11/16/2004

Question
My mom is in the late stages. She does not speak unless you ask her something. The only answers you get are yea, no or I don't know. She seems to stare through you. I am the middle of 3 children. I cared for her in any way she needed as she became elderly. My younger sister was never around. Never played a part in any help my mother needed. She stopped talking to me when I had her placed in a home. I am legally, by her wishes, her power of attorney and health care agent. She had me put in charge of making all decisions for her. She considered me her right arm. Recently I saw my sister when I went to visit my mom and she said my mom knows her. She does not know my brother or I and my sister said my mom told her that her family abandoned her. I cannot get her to say more than the few words I said in the beginning of this letter. I just lay awake wondering if my mom for some reason just makes like she doesn't know me or is my sister just living in her own unrealistic world. She thinks my mother can't sit anymore because they don't make her walk. She lost her motor skills about a year ago. In fact the facility does not understand how she hasn't forgotten how to swallow yet. Is this feeling of guilt that I could have done more to help her unusual or normal. And do you have any sugesstions on who I can talk to. The mental anguish I feel is beginning to torment me. I only visit my mom once a week because I really can't deal with seeing her in a state that she would not want to live in. Am I awful. Sorry this was so long but I need to hear from someone outside my family who only tries to make me feel better.

Thank you

Joann

Answer
Dear Joann,  Families you gotta love em!  Your sister is living in a fantasy.  She sounds like she is a manipulative person.  

You have absolutely nothing to be guilty about.  Your mother obviously knew that you would do the best for her as she gave you the power to do it!  

You should go to an Alzheimer's support group, you would find that you are not the only one who has gone through this!  

Also it sounds like you should also contact Hospice.  They would be able to assess your mother and let you know if she is either in the last six months of her life or she could be in the "transitional" stage which means that she is close to the end stage and they would help you take over her care.  They would also help you deal with your sister.  

I am sorry you are having to go through this.  Families can really be more trouble than they are worth.  I had two sisters and a brother who did nothing for my mom.  I was glad my older sister didn't desert me!  

Stay your course and know in your heart you did the best for your mom that you were capable of doing.  Paula