Expert: Paula Damgaard - 6/18/2006

Question
i was wondering if you can tell what stage my mother in-law is in. she wants to fight all night long trys her hardest to get us to react. you give her a task to do she gets confused on what she is doing. she wants to sleep all the time or sits in a chair all day. she can't remember from day to day. if i don't give her full time attention she gets mad. she hides dirty depends so that i have to go on a daily treasure hunt. she can't find where the dishes are in the cubert and i show her everyday where they are. when she is around other people she acts really nice. but when they leave she becomes really mean to me. she tells me she doesn't have alzhiemers after we went to the doctor and he told her. she is on namenda and ariept. she wets the bathroom floor everyday, and says she can't smell it. and gets mad when i clean it everyday. can you help me out.

Answer
Dear Lori, personally, I don't like staging people.  It really doesn't matter what stage she is in, it matters what you are going through!  

First thing you need to do is educate yourself about the disease, trying to make her conform to what you think is right, or how you think something should be done is never going to get you anywhere.  One of the first things you need to know is that you can't "reason with an unreasonable mind"  The things that are driving you crazy, she has no control over.  Whe she is doing the things that are driving you crazy she has no idea that they are wrong.  Her mind is like a car's spark plugs.  Say one of them is not working right, you can go out to the car and try to start it and one time it won't start but then the next time the spark plug works and you start the car.  Her brain's electrical system, is sometimes working and other times it isn't.  When she "isn't" she is doing the things that are bad and then when she "is" she has no memory of what she did except that you are mad and she "would never do any of the things you are accusing her of" so she gets angry.  If you can make your self not react to what she is doing when she "isn't" you will get along much better.  

There are some medicines that you can get that can help with her night time behaviors which would help you to tolerate her better.  Also she should be in day care during the day so that she gets worn out and sleeps better at night. She probably won't want to go if you tell her you are taking her to day care, with my mother I told her she was a "volunteer" and she went everyday.

To help educate yourself more you should visit your local Alzheiemer's Association.  They will have lots of books and videos for you to use to learn more.  

I hope this helps some.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Let me know how it goes.  Paula