Expert: JM Starkman, MD - 1/17/2011

Question
I know in the world of anesthesia, this may look like a pretty small deal, but as a professional, I hope you can understand.  
About 5 years ago, I had 4 wisdom teeth removed by an oral surgeon, using conscious sedation.  I do suffer from anxiety and was very apprehensive about the procedure.   I ended up in the ER after I was convinced I was having a heart attack. I had a difficult time trusting my wellbeing in the hands of a stranger. Powerless to control my own mind and body. after an agonizing month of panic, pain (not from my teeth) and sleepless nights, the day came. My wife and I had worked out a plan.  We decided together that my wife would be the last I saw before and the first I would see after my surgery. A request we felt would be easy to accommodate. I got to the office,and met the surgeon, whom from the moment I stepped foot in the door showed zero compassion for my fears and cared even less about my wishes.  He did finally agree to allow my wife at my side, and that alone was the key to earning my trust. The IV started,and before I was out, two nurses had my arms and one escorted my wife out while I watched unable to do anything about it.  The feeling was horrible. Through the whole surgery I was going nuts, even kicked over some equipment.  Don't remember that part. The worse of this came once I woke up. My wife was not there.  I asked for her, and the nurse simply told me no.  The feeling I had at that moment has haunted me for 5 years now. It is simply most painful Debilitating thing I have ever experienced. I wake with night terrors and flashbacks.  I struggle to make it into a doctors office for a simple blood pressure as I cant bring myself to trust them. Simply driving past the office building has triggered so much fear I've had to stop driving. I've often thought to seek help, but could never make it through the door. Now for the reason I write. I  wife will be undergoing a decompression for a Chiari Malformation later this week.  For the last Month my flashbacks and nightmares are out of control.  My wife as been a rock while me, a total mess. It is our wish with this surgery as was with mine, that we are there at the beginning of the surgery while she falls asleep and will be there when she awakes. I truly feel that if we can some away with a positive experience, we can begin to get past these memories. Our fear is that our wishes will yet again be dismissed, and I don't know quite how we could go through with this procedure if that the case. As a patient, it seems that your not really in a place to negotiate your care,only an hour before your brain surgery. Do you suffer through it and deal with the after effects even if they last years, Do you pull the IV and leave hoping for better elsewhere?  My question to you is, if we were your patient, how would you work with us to honor our wishes, and do you have any advice on how we should approach the subject?  I really don't think we are being out of line asking for a loved ones support in a room full of strangers, facing a horrifying procedure.  And both of us are terrified of what will happen to me if this experience doesn't go well.  I have made it this far by constant reassurance that there are good people out there who DO care and will do what it takes.  It's sad that both my wife and I are par more concerned about me that we are about the actual surgery. we both know the surgical pain only lasts a while.  This pain lasts years, and God forbid we have more surgical needs, will we be able to handle it.  I appreciate the time and value you opinions.

Answer
If your wife is "the rock" and she is the one having the surgery, then why do YOU have to be at her side every waking moment?  Presumably (because you have chosen a certain surgeon, hospital, etc. for major surgery) you TRUST them!  That screaming inconsistency aside, I hope you will review many of my previous answers archived in "Allexperts" addressing the issues and possible solutions to doctors and hospitals that want to do it "their way" as opposed to their patients'.

And bet wishes for a successful surgery and anesthetic.