Expert: Reverend Abbott - 1/22/2008

Question
Dear Rev. Abbott.
I have a friend, whom I believe suffers the eating disorder BED.
 My friend, Marie, has told me once she starting eating she is unable to stop eating. She said this occurs when things go wrong in her life. She starts eating, sometimes for days at a time. She will only stop when she is exhausted
  She has given me examples such as getting called on the carpet by her boss. She said her boss  confronts her about her constant problem of arrive late to work, then not writing down her arrival time on her time card, but instead recording on the timecard her assign start time. She will deny she has done anything wrong. ( She is late for everything).
 Marie, said she was so upset by the boss accusing her lying on her time card. That on the way home from work she got off the freeway and stopped at every fast food place there was.
 From Panda Express to Subway.  When she got home she ate a whole loaf of bread, a bag of cookies, a bag of potato chips,  1/2 gallon of ice cream, etc. She said she could not stop eating. She ended up exhausted. She said she went to bed around 2AM. She woke up at 3AM with pains in the stomach. She stayed home from work, and went to the doctor.
 But, she did not tell the doctor what she had done to have the stomachache. He presumed she had the flu.
   She told me the doctor said she had the flu. I told her nonsense she needs to tell the doctor the truth and get help.
   My friend is not tall, and now weighs of 200 lbs. Her doctor has told her to lose weight, but instead she gets upset and eats, eats, eats.
   Onetime, she told me she ate for a whole weekend without stop.
   Rev. Abbott, how do I get her to listen to me and other friends that she needs help? She is in her early 50s. She is entered Menopause, and this is no time to ignore what she is doing to herself.
    Also could Marie be eating too much because some way some how she is punishing herself for lying on her time card?
   Two friends of mine died over the past two years from eating disorders. One of them from Binge Eating Disorder.
   Marie is very unhappy with her life, and says she is not ready to lose weight, and is afraid if she got help  would be told she is crazy.
   Is there anything I can do to help?
  Elizabeth

Answer
All of your observations are very astute. You're right that this friend has a problem and it's far deeper than weight or eating.  Binge eating like this is often an attempt to "fill a hole" inside.  Some need, usually emotional, and quite obviously triggered by stress such as her job.
 Chances are that Marie had a troubled childhood too or suffered a series of abuses in relationships many years ago.  Emotional/mental or even physical abuses may be at the bottom of this.  
 Unfortunately she won't be helped until she asks for it. Nothing will change until she wants it to.

You have to decide whether you want to stand around and witness this or not.  No one will blame you if you reject the relationship unless or until she works together with you and I'm sure many others who love her and want her well, happy and healthy.

The time card issue isn't a cause, it's just another symptom.  You can bet that this is not the only area of her life she's been dishonest in.  The most significant dishonesty is in her not caring for herself.

Marie needs to hit rock bottom and realize that the only choices are to lose her life, or save it.

 Having to witness this is very hard on you.