Expert: Joanne - 1/27/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello, my name is Jon. I've been with an amazing girl named Catie for 4 months. I love her and would do anything for her. Her family life is a mess..it makes my head hurt thinking about it but she lives with her step-dad, who is divorced. She lives with him and her 3 other younger siblings. He's a d*** (didnt want to be disrespectful to you) and well...A couple of months ago...she told me she had an eating disorder for 3 weeks last year. She would eat nothing but dinner, because her sted-dad made her. She promised me she wouldn't do it again and swore on my life. Well, something happened with her step-dad and now shes not eating again. Me, and all her friends are worried about her. She's losing weight, and not eating enough. I'm not sure about this, but I know she's been getting a lot of headaches and shes tired all the time, could that be from her not eating? That's more so a question in a question. I need to help her...I looked at a picture of her with her mom on myspace, and it was just her neck up..and then another picture with a friend when they had a sleepover about a month or 2 later then the one with her mom...and you could already see the difference..she almost looks a little starved. I haven't seen her for a week, because shes grounded...and because its a long-distance relationship of about 45 minutes away...and we're not old enough to drive...we're both 16, but her friend who is also my friend, said shes been looking really skinny. Im scared. I dont want anything to happen to the woman I love. What can I do to help her?

ANSWER: Jon

I think that you have a right to be concerned about her.  Has she talked about her eating habits with you at all recently?  Does she mention her reasons for not eating?

There is a chance that she may just be extremely stressed with what is going on at home, and in turn lost her appetite, but then there is the huge possibility that this could be the beginning of an eating disorder.

The headaches and the tiredness is most likely due to undereating, but again, this will not be helped if she is having a hard time at home as the stress may be disrupting sleep and causing headaches, so is most likely a mixture of the 2.

Her relationship with her mum, does it change her mood at all?  Is she more likely to eat and be happier around her mum (I don't want to pry!)?

As she is 16, she is able to go and see a Dr herself, and I would definitely recommend that she speak to someone that can offer her some help!  A Dr should be able to help her themselves, but more than likely will refer her to a therapist/counsellor.  It seems as though even if she doesn't get help for her eating habits themselves, she may benefit just being able to talk through her family life and get someone to help give her some perspective.  Are you still at school?  Is there a teacher or counsellor there that you can confide in and seek their advice as best how to help her?

I think that you should look at www.something-fishy.org to have a look at how best to approach this issue.  You just need to be supportive, and non-judgemental.  Don't completely avoid the subject, and let her know that she can talk about it any time she wants, but don't be too pushy!  At the moment, all you can do is encourage her to get help, but if you think she is becoming very sick, then you need to make sure that you tell someone, and hopefully they should be able to get her the help she needs!

Please don't bottle up your own feelings either!  Let her know that you are concerned, or are scared for her.  You need to make sure that this doesn't become too much for you.  It is great to know that you can talk to your friends, but be aware that you should be able to confide in someone about this too so that you can get perspective!

All the best
Joanne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks. Shes happier with her mom, I'm not sure if she tends to eat more when shes with her mom then at home. Its a possiblity. I'm actually quite sure she does.

ANSWER: Do you think there is any possibility of her confiding in her mum?  How do you think her mum would react?

Would you be comfortable talking to her mum if you thought that she would be able to help her?

Joanne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Its not serious at this point. But, if it were to become serious, I think she would go to her mom or her biological dad. She sees her mom every other weekend, this upcoming weekend, she'll see her mom. So if it's still continuing when she goes to her moms, then theres a good chance she'll talk to her mom about it. If she doesn't, then yes, I am very comfortable talking to both her mom and biological dad.

Answer
Well I think that you should just give her the chance to talk about this when she is ready.  If that doesn't seem to be happening, then I would maybe consider talking to her parents!

If either of you have any more questions, please get back in touch!

I wish you both the best of luck!
Joanne