Expert: Meg - 1/26/2008

Question
Hello, my name is Jon. I asked this to another expert...I need more than one answer on this. I've been with an amazing girl named Catie for 4 months. I love her and would do anything for her. Her family life is a mess..it makes my head hurt thinking about it but she lives with her step-dad, who is divorced. She lives with him and her 3 other younger siblings. He's a d*** (didnt want to be disrespectful to you) and well...A couple of months ago...she told me she had an eating disorder for 3 weeks last year. She would eat nothing but dinner, because her sted-dad made her. She promised me she wouldn't do it again and swore on my life. Well, something happened with her step-dad and now shes not eating again. Me, and all her friends are worried about her. She's losing weight, and not eating enough. I'm not sure about this, but I know she's been getting a lot of headaches and shes tired all the time, could that be from her not eating? That's more so a question in a question. I need to help her...I looked at a picture of her with her mom on myspace, and it was just her neck up..and then another picture with a friend when they had a sleepover about a month or 2 later then the one with her mom...and you could already see the difference..she almost looks a little starved. I haven't seen her for a week, because shes grounded...and because its a long-distance relationship of about 45 minutes away...and we're not old enough to drive...we're both 16, but her friend who is also my friend, said shes been looking really skinny. Im scared. I dont want anything to happen to the woman I love. What can I do to help her?

Answer
Hi Jon,

Thanks for your question and you sound like such a great and caring boyfriend who really does want to help.  Catie is very lucky to have you in her life.  

I'm sorry that she is going through some difficult times right now and its great that you want to help and be supportive.  Its important for you to know that there are many things that you CAN do to help her, but ultimately, the choice to get better and take good care of herself rests with her.  I say this because often, eating disorders can develop as a means to control a difficult situation in ones life that feels like a mess.  Sometimes, the sufferer feels like even if she can't take care of the bigger problem (in Catie's case, perhaps the Step Dad who is not great to have around) she can control what she eats (or doesn't) and in turn her weight.  That said, it is usually not helpful to try to make someone with an eating disorder eat or even nag her about it.  This type of an approach can sometimes backfire and cause the person with the eating disorder to try to find that false sense of control with food even more.  

The first thing I'd recommend you doing is just letting her know that you are concerned about this and want to see how she's doing.  Because she has talked with you about her not eating before, she may be open to talking again.  Its also possible that she will dismiss your concern and just say "I'm fine".  Either way, I think that it will be most helpful for you not to be accusatory or scare her, but just to let her know that you can see certain signs (her looking thinner, her past history, her physical symptoms, etc) and it scared you.  That you just wanted to make sure that she is okay.  And, of course, it is always helpful to let her know that you're on her side and are willing to listen or even help her find help, when and if she needs it.  

If you are extremely concerned (and I don't recommend this unless you truly feel like her life is in danger) then you probably need to talk with her Mom about this (or if not her  Mom, someone else who is an adult and can help her get the help she needs).  Again, I would only recommend doing this after you have exhausted every other option and I would guess that it will not ever come to this point.  

What you can do:  listen, offer support, let her know that you care and that you're scared, give her information about eating disorders or point her towards some helpful websites (I will give you some links at the end of this answer).   What you can't do:  make her eat, scare her into getting better, make her well, solve her family problems.  Its possible that she needs some kind of counseling or therapy to deal with the issues that are bringing on her eating disorder.

Here is a helpful link to a site with very specific ideas about what to do and not to do:

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php

Also, here are some sites that may be helpful to her (or even you):

http://www.something-fishy.org/

http://www.caringonline.com/

http://www.edreferral.com/

http://www.anad.org/

I hope this helps and that you know that its wonderful that you care and that this will really help Catie-just knowing that she is not alone.

Good luck and please feel free to write again if there is anything else I can help with.

Best,
Meg