Expert: Meg - 1/20/2008

Question
Two years ago my daughter was 16 and weighed 225 lbs. She was miserable. She first started exercising and lost about 50 lbs in six months. Then she became a vegetarian and reduced her food intake significantly and lost another 50+ lbs. For the past year she has maintained  her weight at around 100 lbs- she is 5'4". For the past six months she has been binging at night when I am asleep. Whatever groceries I buy are completely gone in the morning. After binging she takes showers with the water running for long periods of time. After questioning her about purging multiple times she finally told me that she chews and spits in a cup and then flushes the cup contents in the toilet. I am scared to death and don't know what to do to help her. A year ago she agreed that she may have OCD and that counseling may help and she went to one session. Her doctor put her on prozac which she refuses to take. I don't know what to do and I am desperate. She hates me for knowing her secrets. Please give me something I can do. I love her so very much.

Answer
Hi Clarissa,

Thanks so much for your question and I'm so sorry that your daughter (and you) are going through this.  I think that there is probably nothing more painful than to have to watch someone  you love suffer with this and hurt herself and not be able to do that much-and I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

First, I want to point you towards a really helpful article online that will probably articulate things even  better than I can:

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php


That said, I think that there are a lot of things you can do to help your daughter and most importantly, her knowing that she has your support is going to really be helpful for her.  It sounds like she is not being particularly receptive to your help and knowing what is going on, which is understandable as she probably feels a lot of shame about what she is doing.  Also, my guess is that since she has lost a lot of weight, she is probably very afraid of having to "give up" her eating disorder and the false sense of control that it gives a person-and probably terrified of eating normally and gaining weight again.  All of these things make sense in the context of what has happened, but don't help in terms of the two of you communicating.  

I'm wondering if you two are able to talk calmly about this or if it often turns into you getting afraid and emotional and your daughter pushing you away.  I know that when I was   very sick, I was definitely not receptive to people who I felt were judging me or telling me what to do (now, in hindsight, I can see that there were not doing either of these things, but were just concerned, but its easy to feel that way when you're in the midst of being sick.)   One thing that might work is sitting down with your daughter calmly and telling her that you just want to listen, that she can say anything and that you will calmly listen and not    judge her.  You may also want to look into getting some treatment geared towards girls with eating disorders for her.  Oftentimes, it takes a lot of support and work to get  past an eating disorder and especially when the person with the problem doesn't necessarily want to deal with it.  This is fairly common with eating disorders and something that I'm sure many mothers have gone through.  

Another thing that might work is asking your daughter if there is someone else that she would feel comfortable talking with about this.  Sometimes, the mother-daughter bond can be so intense that its really hard to deal with something like without both of you getting really emotional, but perhaps there is a family friend, aunt, etc with whom she would feel okay talking with  I think the key right now is getting her talking so that all of this stuff doesn't stay bottled up and she can be persuaded to get some help.

You might also want to provide her with some information about eating disorders (I will give you some links below) so that she understands more of what is happening, both on a physical and emotional level.  I think giving printed information is good in that she can look at it when she is ready and at her own pace.  This helps as it can give a sense of control (which is often a factor in eating disorders) and may help her see that she has a problem.  

I don't know if you've taken her for a physical, but you might want to do that as well.  She has lost a lot of weight in a fairly short period of time and its probably best to make sure that things are okay with her-and this also can serve as a chance for her to perhaps make contact with someone who can help.  

Let her know that you care, that you want her to be healthy, that you are not judging and that you will listen or help her find someone who can do that.  Know that even when she is not nice or receptive, its not personal and that she will  look back when she is healthier and know that she has a wonderful mother who cared and was looking out for her.  Finally, try to keep the lines of communication open.  Ask for her input.  Ask her what she needs to get better.  Let her come up with some solutions.  Sometimes, that can be really helpful in terms of getting her involved with this.

Here are some websites about eating disorders that you can share with her:

http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/Site/transcripts/bulimi...

http://www.mirror-mirror.org/eatdis.htm

And, here is a great site with support for parents:

http://www.something-fishy.org/online/familyfriends.php

Finally, this is a really wonderful article that might help as well-actually, the whole site is really worth checking out:

http://www.poppink.com/parents.html


I hope this this helps and please feel free to write again if there is anything else I can help with.

Take care,
Meg