Expert: Joanne - 1/31/2008

Question
Hi. My name is Wendy, and I am totally torn about what to do. My Husband and I recently took in his 17 year old couisin, Sara as of December 1st. I suspected she was throwing up after binging, but she of course greatly denies it. Well, today I found proof. I was putting away her stockings, when I found a coffee cup with a screw on lid in her drawer. It had vomit in it. We have power of attorney, and she is on our insurance as of tomorrow. The problem, is she will be 18 in 9 days. I have informed her Mother in California. We live in Virginia. Any advice?
Thanks
Wendy

Answer
Hi Wendy

I think that you may need to let her know that you have found the mug and are very worried for her.  She needs to know that she can talk to you and that you will support her without judgement.  It is very hard, but try to avoid arguing or accusations being made.

How is she with you normally?  Other than this, does she tend to be quite open and receptive to you and your husband, or does she tend to be slightly more hostile?  Will she accept your concern?  

You need to encourage her to get help.  I don't know where you stand in your state with regards to her age and being able to make her get help.  I know that many places will need her to agree to anything after the age of 14, which may be very hard if she continues to deny the problem.

Offer to visit the Dr with her, or chat about services available in your area.  I would recommend possibly researching eating disorders more yourself through the internet, books, etc  www.something-fishy.org is a good site, as the better your own knowledge is, the more you may be able to understand her.

Does her mother have any feelings on the matter?  What would she prefer you did?  Would your husband's cousin be able to talk to her mother about these problems do you think?  Would it be worth the visitng each other to discuss this?

I suggest you confront her with your find, without being angry or judgemental (this is not personal, just many people do react with anger or judgement when they find out a loved one has an eating disorder) and ask her what she reckons you should do next!  Ask that she gets help from where she would feel comfortable getting help, and try to keep conversation about or around food and eating as free of tension as possible.

Please get back in touch if either of you have any questions!

Joanne