Expert: Joanne - 11/19/2008

Question
Hi, I have just come across my daughters diary which she has wrote "i am as fat as hell and wish i had anorexia ". She is 9 years old 4 foot 11 and weighs 6 stone 8, we have been watching what she eats for the past couple of months due to her asking if she is fat ofcourse we said she wasnt. We have been buying her alot of new clothes and because she is tall have to get a bigger size to fit in the lenght but they wont fit round her stomach and this is what i think is making her think this way.  We think she is fine bit of a belly i was the same at her age, she is also very hormonal its like having a teenager and have been having a hard time with her recently. Im just really worried that she thinks like this and have no idea what to say to her, or what to do about it any help would be great.
Thanks Wendy

Answer
Wendy

I think that you may need to sit down and talk to her if you think that she is at real risk of developing anorexia.  I don't know exactly what you should say to her as means of bringing up the subject seeing as you came across the statement in her diary, but it definitely needs to be addressed.  I would imagine she would feel betrayed to find that you have gone through her diary, but if she isn't that bothered about her diary, then just tell her that is where you found it, but I doubt that this will be the case, and to bring it up so as not to look like you have been through it may be difficult.

Does she know much about eating disorders? Has she ever watched any programme on them, read anything about them?  Where has she got the idea that anorexia is something that is 'good' and a way of being thin?  There may not be an obvious answer to this, and I suppose when anorexia is mentioned in the media, there quite often is pictures of models or celebs used to illustrate the message, only young girls just see these people as role models basically.  If she hasn't watched anything on them, then it may be worth watching some of the documentaries that have been produced about them, or even some films are quite good at showing how horrible they are.  At the same time, this may not be the best route if she does have a desperate want to be anorexic, as many have sufferers share secrets and tricks that they use.

It is difficult to know exactly how much information to give her, and exactly what to show her as she is so young, and may not be able to fully comprehend what these illnesses can actually do to a person, and the people that care about them.

It may be worth just watching her and looking out for tell-tale signs.  I would recommend that you read as much information on eating disorders and some of the tips and tricks that you can find out there quite easily online, just so that you can pick up on any unhealthy behaviours that she may be following, or develops.  Talk to teachers at school and find out whether she seems to be having problems there - academically, relationships with friends, whether or not she eats her lunch - and possibly even find out if they have a counsellor.  This may not be available within her school, sometimes counsellors only work within secondary schools, and at younger ages need to be called in for specific pupils or problems.

It may also be worth taking her to a doctor if you haven't already, just so that someone can possibly emphasise the importance of a good healthy diet, and the changes that she may be about to go through - it is quite common for girls to put on weight and become slightly 'fatter' just before they are about to grow in height.  You need to make sure that she is prepared for puberty as if she gains this weight, or is really unhappy with her body now, for her hips to widen and breasts develop may cause huge body-image issues that she tries to solve by developing very unhealthy eating habits.  She should receive information about these changes at school I should think, but it may be worth having someone talk to her about it one-on-one and making sure that she truly understands.

It is a very difficult situation to be in, and I can only imagine what it must be like, but I do think that it is just about monitoring her daily food intake (trying not to make it too much of an issue though!) and if you think that she is likely to develop an eating disorder, it may be worth trying to get her some couselling or therapy now to help her deal with her body image, rather than waiting and having to work through an eating disorder and then the body image.

If there is any consolation here, it is that very few people develop anorexia simply as a means of controlling their weight.  Usually anorexia nervosa develops as a means of dealing with other emotional issues and is a way of gaining control in life.  This could simply be a phase that passes, and she may just need some reassurance and help to accept her body as it is.  Children find it very hard to understand that although this may seem like a big deal now, in a few years, their body shape is likely to be very different.  I do think think that you need to talk to her now about this though.  She will soon be a teenager, she will soon have all the pressures of high school and combined with a poor body image, it may not be as easy to deal with.

I don't know if this answer is making any sense, and am very scared that I am talking round in circles now.

I just don't want you to think that I'm saying she's only 9, it's a phase and will likely come to nothing.  I would never think like that as I know only too well how quickly eating disorders can take control of your life.  Basically I think it is a case of you needing to learn as much as you can about eating disorders and learning to recognise them so that you can act if you do ever think that one is developing, and sitting down and having a real discussion with your daughter, her thoughts and feelings.  You need to work out why she has such a poor self-image and whether it is simply about the way she looks or if there is something in her life that is going on that is making her so unhappy with herself.  You need to establish whether she believes that being thinner is going to make her happier, and why, and then need to work out how to show her that happiness isn't going to be based on how thin you are.

I think that you need to have her open up to you, but would recommend professional input if your not sure exactly how to handle what she is saying.  Unfortunately, if she does lack self-belief and self-confidence, sometimes words from your mum just aren't enough.  You can become so down on yourself that you convince yourself that you aren't worthy for one reason or another and comments from the people that care about you can be read as comments that are said simply because these people feel obliged to say these things.  There isn't rational thought there, so sometimes these things are better coming from someone who isn't attached to the person or the situation.

I hope that this has made some sense, I feel that I may have let you down somewhat.  I have never, myself, had to deal with this situation.

I would recommend visiting www.something-fishy.org
This site contains a lot of information about eating disorders, tell-tale signs (there are a lot of sites out there that print tips and tricks that may be helpful when watching your daughter, but I do warn that these sites are very damaging and I do not condone their construction or running at all!), the consequences, and there are also message boards there for both sufferers and loved ones.  You may find it helpful to visit the one for loved ones, and ask other relatives of sufferers whether or not they have ever found themselves in your situation and ask if they have any advice that they can pass on.  Or possibly search in your area for eating disorder services, and call them.  Explain your situation and ask for their advice- if anyone should be able to help in this situation, they should!

If you have any questions about eating disorders, please feel free to contact me again.

Joanne