Expert: Melissa - 12/23/2008

Question
Melissa,
 I have been battling an eating disorder for the past four years. It started out with compulsive excersising/ restricting and being very rigid about my caloric intake. I'm 5'2 and when my weight plumeted to 95 lbs my doctor told me if I did not gain weight I would have to become an inpatient so it was a major wake up call and I started adding things back into my diet. I was doing so well for about a year until I got in a major accident which prevented me from doing any sort of cardio for about 9 months.
 Ever since then I have been going up and down between binging (never purging) and restricting, yet always mantaining an intense workout regimen. My peak weight was 130. This summer, I was able to get back into running and when the weight started coming off it gave me the motivation to start really restricting again and I stayed at around 103 for the entire semester. I felt so beautiful and confident and sexy and had so many boys again like I used to .. it was such an amazing feeling to look at myself in the mirror and be like damn instead of ew!
 However, two months ago I got pretty sick with mono. I completely stopped excersising obviously and once that happened I was like I don't care about watching my diet like a hawk or starving myself like I had been for the past couple months. I felt so burnt out and I was in my house full of food and figured I didn't have to see anyone so I had the mentality of "It's Okay to Eat what i want.. when i want". At first it felt liberating.. but then it turned to straight binging and I spun completely out of control and began compulsively eating basically. Its been about a month and a half and I've gained almost 40lbs!! So now I am no where near my sexy 103? What the HELL am I going to do when I have to go back to school in a month?!?!
 People used to come up to me and be like wow your body looks so good. Theyre going to be like what the f*** happened to that girl??? I have such a hard time facing the world right now.. I feel like when I look in the mirror it basically cracks, I feel so disgusting and dirty and ashamed of what I've become! Of course I don't fit into any of my clothes and probably have gone up at least 5 pant sizes... I used to be a size zero!

I FEEL LIKE IM IN A NIGHTMARE.. everytime i wake up i start crying because i realize the reality of my situation which is everything i've ever wished against.

So my question is:
A) How can I get back in control and stop this nightly binging that I tell myself every day will never happen again but cant seem to be disciplined like i used to be?

B) How do I go about facing everyone again being 30 lbs over weight after a 2 month vacation..when theyve been used to seeing me 10 lbs under weight?  

Answer
Jasmine,
I'm so sorry your life feels like it has spun out of control. You sound so distressed and my heart goes out to you.
It sounds to me like you've been caught in a binge/restrict cycle which can be extremely difficult to break. I have some suggestions  on how to get out of this cycle.
1. See a dietitian who can keep you accountable for what you eat so you're eating how much you need to prevent yourself from binging yet will still get your weight to a healthy point. When you restrict, you set yourself up for a binge. Depriving yourself of what your body needs makes it very hard to not obsess about food and your weight. It's hard to allow yourself to eat when you feel like you shouldn't--i know, I've been there. But It's the only way to break that cycle.
2. Start seeing a therapist who can help you identify why your weight and the food have become such a focus for you. Determining the underlying causes will help your focus on food diminish on a larger scale.
3. Don't aim to become "disciplined" again. That's just a fancy word for restricting and starving yourself which will ultimately set yourself up to fall into the binge part of the cycle. You and I both know it's unhealthy to restrict your intake like that and you can still obtain a healthy weight and EAT. Although numbers are hardly the issue... it's about being healthy and feeling good... I'll tell you that I'm 5'1 (so were pretty close in height) and I love my body and my weight. I eat whatever I want when I want because I never feel deprived and I'm not over eating or under eating.
Also, the more your body's weight yo-yo's like that, the harder it gets to lose weight in the long run. That's why extreme crash dieting isn't a good idea.
4. Check out an over-eaters anonymous. A lot of them are geared towards eating disorders in general rather  then strictly binge eaters. I have gone to many and I've met some great people of all sizes and of all ages. It's a great way to relate to and learn from others experiences. It will show you you're not alone. You can find a meeting in your area at this website: http://www.oa.org/all_about_meetings.htm
All I can say is when you go back to school keep your chin up. Confidence is the most attractive quality in a person. I know if you walk in there and strut your stuff (I'm sure you really do look fantastic!), no one will say a thing. You can make anything work as long as you work it :)
Take care.