Expert: Joanne - 12/20/2008

Question
Hi,
So i'm new to this whole eating disorder thing. I was always healthy and fine
in my thinking up until this fall. I was 5'5 about 120 at the beginning of
summer, I ate healthy-just not into junk food-but i didnt think about fat too
much in other foods. Well its now december and i weigh about 100 pounds
and obviously need to put weight on. It seemed fine and simple back when i
was 115 because all i had to do was put on 5 to 10 pounds, but the more i
tried putting it on the more it became in issue and the weight began to fall
off. I became more aware of fats and calories, and more strict on my diet-i
don't know why. My dad and I are very close and he is the most involved with
the process. At first we argued A LOT and to him it seemed so simple, 'just
eat it' but for me the battle to pick it up and put it in was getting worse. It
was if the more stress put on the situation the worse i became. I realized i
consumed about 900 cal a day, maybe 5g of fat....I NEED to put weight on but
this battle is so hard. Half of me is crying out for nutrition and help whereas
the other half beats it down with sick irrational thoughts about food. Every
meal is like WW3 inside of me, if i walk away at all physically satisfied or full
from a meal this sick half just condemns me and piles on guilt but the other
half is happy cuz its finally getting good nutrition. BUT if i walk away hungry
its the other way around, my body is in pain so to speak cuz its malnourished
but my brain is applauding me for not being a pig...Well the one solution my
dad could come up with was buying me weight gainer powder from a
nutrition store, he expects me to consume 600 cal right before bed of this
powder. Do you know how difficult that is when i'm already struggling with
regular foods??? I have no idea how to deal with that situation, any advice.
Sorry this is so long, i dont even no where to begin with explaining everything
going on with me.

Answer
Jenna

You know that this is not right, and it sounds as though you do want to recover and get better, its just too hard just now with the battle that is going on inside you.  I think you need to talk to your dad and maybe talk about getting some professional help.  Things could be great if you could just take the powder, well would it?  If you admitted defeat and were to take the powder, your battle with food is still there - you need to be fighting to get these calories from food.  Initially it might be good just to get your weight up, however, then you need to work on the food and eating issue.  It is also important that you work on the emotions and thoughts behind these eating behaviours, and that is best done with a counsellor or therapist that has experience with eating disorders.

It can be helpful to be able to hand control over to other people - i.e. let them decide what and when you eat, that way the battle should be easier as it is no longer your choice to eat these meals and calories.  That way, hopefully, the 'sick' part of your mind should hopefully stop beating you up as much because it is not you trying to eat all these calories, but you being forced to.  This again can work in the short time, however, you still need to be working on the background issues and learning to regain control of your life as you can't have someone telling you what to eat and when for the rest of your life.

I think that you should talk to your dad about how you feel and what is actually going on, and that it is not as simple as just eating.  You need to ask for help!  I think that you should visit your doctor and be honest with them about what is going on, either that or have a look at whether or not there are eating disorder services in your area that you can self-refer to.  I'm not sure how old you are, but if you are at school or college, there should be some sort of support or guidance services in place within the school, so maybe that could even be a starting place for you.  A lot of school and college guidance counsellors will have experience of eating disorders and if they can't help themselves, they should have someone or somewhere they can refer you to or recommend.

I hope that this has been of some help and that you feel that you can approach someone and ask for help.

Please feel free to get back in touch if you have anything else that you would like to ask.

Joanne