Expert: Joanne - 12/16/2008

Question
Tell Us how you got over your eating disorder?

Answer
David

I don't think I have 'gotten over' my eating disorder, and think that it will be a long time before I believe I will actually be able to say that I have, but I have definitely got more control over it now!

I developed an eating disorder due to other medical problems that developed when I was in my early teens.  I felt like I had no control over my body, and then because I was ill my parents became a lot more fussy about my life and much more controlling over aspects of it, including when and what I ate.  That basically led me trying to regain some control and I suppose try to show my parents that they weren't able to dictate my life (basic teenage rebellion I suppose).  To begin with it wasn't all-consuming, and didn't develop into a full-blown eating disorder until after I once heard a girl remark about how fat my legs looked while I was lying on the ground, recovering after collapsing unconscious.  I don't believe now that my legs were that fat in any way, I was a runner and did a lot of sports, and now think that it was most likely just because I had lost all muscle tone in my leg while I was lying there, once I was upright again it probably looked fine, but that did leave me so insecure.  As well as having to deal with having regular seizures, I was now paranoid about what people may have been saying about my appearance while I was unconscious!

It took three years before I finally owned up to having an eating disorder, and that was really only because by that time I had so many of the tell-tale signs and had been asked on such a regular basis whether it was a possibility that I knew that I wasn't going to be able to get away with it much longer, and about to begin medical school, if teachers in school could read the signs, then no doubt working with doctors on a regular basis, it would likely have been a very short time before it was picked up on!  I was quickly referred to a team of eating disorder specialists and began to have meetings with a therapist on a weekly basis.

My therapy sessions had to deal with changing my eating bahaviours and talking much more about breaking cycles and dealing with feelings in the present rather than therapy about my past.  My eating disorder really wasn't a means of dealing with an traumatic, emotional past or anything, so I didn't have a lot of the therapy that many eating disorder patients may have.  It was thought that once my other medical problems had been solved the eating disorder may resolve itself too, so we set about making sure that I got the help that I needed with that.

I spent my therapy time talking about meal plans and means of being able to eat a meal without purging.  I needed to think about a way of breaking the eating-purging-starving cycle that I had got myself into, and so a great deal of time went into finding ways that I could realistically busy myself after mealtimes in order to avoid purging.  I do believe that this therapy did help me, but it didn't at that exact time - I was just able to put these things into practice later on!

I started medical school and was almost 2 years younger than everybody else, couldn't go out in the evening with other people due to being underage, was very shy and didn't have much in the way of life experience to talk to other people about.  Everybody had had gap years and been travelling and been away from home before, etc.  I began to withdraw as I was left to feel slightly isolated, unable to join in their conversations easily, and missing out on a lot of their socialising - basically this led to me not eating at all!  I was at med school for about 2 months, not eating at all during this time, and eventually one of the doctors responsible for student welfare approached me about it.  My other medical problems had still never been properly diagnosed, and were still a problem so at that point in time it was decided that I should take medical leave!

I had a year out of uni, and in that time my health improved slightly, but putting that aside, I knew that I had to get on top of the eating disorder, especially now that people were aware of it and I knew that it was something that when I was to return to uni would be watched!  Have you ever wanted anything so much in your life that you would have done almost anything?!  This is how I felt about medical school!  I wanted it so badly that I knew that I had to deal with the eating disorder, or at least be well on the way to some sort of recovery before I could return.  Medical school has been what has kept me fighting against the eating disorder.

I returned to therapy in order to get more support while trying to put a lot of the ideas previous into action, and it began to work.  I'm not going to lie and say and that was it and it has been fine ever since!  I have had numerous slips and relapses since then, it's just about learning to recognise when things are likely to get bad early, and acting on it then!  If I begin to purge again, or starve myself, and it seems to be increasing in frequency, then I will visit student support services and try to get some help from them, or head to my doctor, but I now feel comfortable enough talking to my GP and student support services about this.  It took ages to be able to talk about any of this stuff, but I now know that I shouldn't be ashamed, and that these people would much rather see me then, than have me sit and feel like I'm not ill enough or thin enough to use these services and have me turn up when things are a complete mess.  Plus, I think if I was to leave it to get to that stage again, the eating disorder would definitely have taken over again, making me much less likely to seek or want help!

I think you need to want to get over the eating disorder for your own health and wellbeing anyway, but it is definitely much easier and more likely to succeed if you have a goal, or something that you want to work towards!  For some people it is about having children, or seeing children grow up, for others it is so they can go and do some physcial activity that they have always wanted to do, but their poor health has held them back, and for me it was medical school and my dream of becoming a doctor!  What kind of hypocrite would I be to lecture other people on health when I am incapable of taking care of my own!

Now, I don't think quite so much about what I am eating.  Obviously I am still aware of what I am eating, and try to balance my diet, etc, but nothing like the extremes that I went to before. I am no longer an obsessive calorie counter - I think I would have gone insane if I was to do that now!  Running around on wards and stuff now as well as playing sports on the medical school teams, I know that I have to eat well to make sure that I have the energy to do it and give it my all.  I need to make sure that I eat well so that my studying is as good as it can be - I can't imagine how I actually made it through high school, getting the grades that I needed, my concentration sucked, so I suppose I was lucky!  I am a regular gym-goer, and I do think that my exercising is probably a habit that goes hand-in-hand with an eating disorder, and I probably would be seen to over-exercise now to compensate for the fact that I eat properly now, however I do know that my weight is in the healthy range and I try to make sure I don't become underweight now, in fact my gym is very good with that.  They have people that work with you to set goals for yourself, and once I had told them that I was wanting a programme that would help me as I wanted to tone-up and burn fat and had joined the gym in order to do this as to make sure that I didn't return to disordered eating behaviours, and they have helped me sort an exercise programme and keep an eye on my weight as if it begins to get a bit lower than they would recommend, they try to help me cut down my programme.

So, again, I wouldn't say I'm over it at all, and everyday it is still a fight against the eating disorder, however it is a fight that I am determined not to let it win.  I work hard to not let it take over my life, but I also have to make sure that I don't let this constant battle take over my life.  It could be easy to become obsessed about making sure that I am eating exactly enough calories for my exercise levels and making sure that my diet is balanced, etc, however I do try so hard to have a normal life.  I make sure that my uni work comes first, I make sure that I socialise with friends, etc

Joanne