Expert: Nafeesah - 12/23/2008

Question
Nafeesh,
 I have been battling an eating disorder for the past four years. It started out with compulsive exercising/ restricting and being very rigid about my caloric intake. I'm 5'2 and when my weight plummeted to 95 lbs my doctor told me if I did not gain weight I would have to become an inpatient so it was a major wake up call and I started adding things back into my diet. I was doing so well for about a year until I got in a major accident which prevented me from doing any sort of cardio for about 9 months.
 Ever since then I have been going up and down between bingeing (never purging) and restricting, yet always maintaining an intense workout regimen. My peak weight was 130. This summer, I was able to get back into running and when the weight started coming off it gave me the motivation to start really restricting again and I stayed at around 103 for the entire semester. I felt so beautiful and confident and sexy and had so many boys again like I used to .. it was such an amazing feeling to look at myself in the mirror and be like damn instead of ew!
 However, two months ago I got pretty sick with mono. I completely stopped exercising obviously and once that happened I was like I don't care about watching my diet like a hawk or starving myself like I had been for the past couple months. I felt so burnt out and I was in my house full of food and figured I didn't have to see anyone so I had the mentality of "It's Okay to Eat what i want.. when i want". At first it felt liberating.. but then it turned to straight bingeing and I spun completely out of control and began compulsively eating basically. Its been about a month and a half and I've gained almost 40lbs!! So now I am no where near my sexy 103? What the HELL am I going to do when I have to go back to school in a month?!?!
 People used to come up to me and be like wow your body looks so good. They're going to be like what the f*** happened to that girl??? I have such a hard time facing the world right now.. I feel like when I look in the mirror it basically cracks, I feel so disgusting and dirty and ashamed of what I've become! Of course I don't fit into any of my clothes and probably have gone up at least 5 pant sizes... I used to be a size zero!

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A NIGHTMARE.. Every time i wake up i start crying because i realize the reality of my situation which is everything I've ever wished against.

So my question is:
A) How can I get back in control and stop this nightly bingeing that I tell myself every day will never happen again but cant seem to be disciplined like i used to be?

B) How do I go about facing everyone again being 30 lbs over weight after a 2 month vacation..when they've been used to seeing me 10 lbs under weight?  

Answer
I would consult with your doctor to get your body chemistry checked and stablized so you can work on getting to the weight you want without constantly gaining and losing. Also to talk to a nutritionist about healthy eating and getting into a routine of eating by a certain time so you're not likely to binge. I would check this website out called something-fishy.org and it's for people with eating disorders to get resources for counseling and other matters pertaining to eating disorders.