Expert: Melissa - 4/11/2008

Question
Hi,

I'm struggling.  A lot.  I am 25, fairly sucessful, supporting myself with a good job and great people around me.  I am 3.5 years clean of heroin and crack.  I still drink and binge when I do at weekends.  I quit smoking a year and a half ago, I love my life, but I have a self-destructive side of me.  I've been bulimic for the last 4 months.  I can't cope with it.  I'm starting to think I'm crazy.  I've got everything going for me - good looking, smart, confident, enjoying life - but it's almost like as soon as I start realising how good I've got it I dont' think I deserve it - so I take it away from myself.  I wonder if I'll ever allow myself to be happy.  I don't think I've got it in me.  I'm so so scared of not realising how good life is and destroying all that's wonderful.  I feel full and ready to puke, but I can't do it anymore.  I'm putting ON weight, I don't know how, but I just can't get it all out when I'm sick.  Oh God - what's happened to me?  I'm a bloody wreck!!

Answer
Hi Susie,
It sounds like you are in a crisis. I am sorry your life feels out of control. I strongly urge you to seek out therapy or treatment--now is the best time. I sought out treatment because my body stopped losing weight. I was underweight to the point my metabolism slowed down so I could gain weight. I realized I couldn't control this anymore and I needed help to deal with the changes.
You can't do this alone. Your perception of your body image is distorted making it impossible for you to decide what's healthy for yourself. Realizing you can't do this by yourself and surrendering your weight and your food to a professional can be incredibly freeing. I sought help because I couldn't carry the burden of being consumed by the number on a scale anymore. I hope you choose to take that burden off your shoulders and seek help, too.
Kind regards,
Melissa