Expert: Melissa - 4/18/2008

Question
Hi.
I don't know what the question is really. I know I'm harming myself with what I'm doing.
I'm 26 this year. I've been dieting/restricting/been unhappy with my body now since I was around 10 years old. I guess it's conditioning from my diet obsessed mother who always started a diet and broke it the same day and then a new one, pills...etc etc.
I'm a smart girl. I like a lot of things about myself. I'm fairly pretty, attractive, I have agreat boyfriend and I have mended a lot of problems and forgiven my parents everything.
However... the last 6 month or so..I don't know exactly, Ive been making myself sick after eating. I don't exactly binge like I read about..Ive never gotten a load of food to eat with the intention of being sick after. It's usually after a normal-ish sized meal..perhaps I will eat a little too mucha nd beofre I know it I feel full. I HATE the feeling of being full it makes me feel like a pig...so I drink a load of water and vomit almost immediatly. After I feel physically bettter, but emotionally weak/crazy/sad/shakey. I've noticed it happens for about 2-3 days in a week...but in those days I can make myself sick up to 6 times. It's as if I never learn.
After a day or two like this, I can eat normally or diet well for a few days, then perhaps one or two days is slightly (what I think) overeating without being sick(probably others would view this as 'normal sized' eating but to me..it's a bit excessive). It's a crazy cycle...I hate it.
I sometimes will fast on only water. Following these periods the condition is worse coz when your fasting you lose weight quick and its devestating when you gain some weight back when you stop the fast...i think this has made it worse.
Im in a foreign country. I believe there are means of help in the big city, but it's impossible for me to get there now and there is no money either. What I need is advice about helping myself.
What I want:
To stop being a pig
To stop food controlling me
To stop hurting my body
To stop hating my body
To eat just enough for my bodies health.

I live a very active lifestyle. Im in martial arts school and this may well have made me put extra pressure on myself to be thin. Im not thin. Im not fat. I want to be thinner and leaner and fitter. But not this way.

Im now working on meditation and mindfullness when I eat, so I dont step over the line that tells me Ive had enough and to stop. Im trying to appreciate delicios tasting foods without needing to eat more and more. I'm trying but I need more advice.
My boyfriend loves me but he can't help. He doesn't understand this and I don't want to discuss it all the time with him. There is a huge language barrier and also cultural barrier here so I don't think I can discuss it with the people who live and study with me although they are very caring.
The only friends I have been able to tell and discuss it with are my boyfriend and another male friend. They love me but they can't help.

I want continuity.
I want to feel ok.
I want for my emotions NOT to be ruled by how much Ive consumed that day...for example if I manage to eat nothing all day I feel great...if I eat, my mood is down.

What can I do for myself?
I will get help when I can.

Best wishes
Kate

p.s...does making yourself sick...or frequent vomitting cause your stomach to bloat? can you explain this?

Answer
Hi Kate,
I'm sorry you've been struggling. It sounds like you are going through a lot. Like you said, you're a smart girl and you mentioned a few things you could do for yourself in your question. I think deep down just as  you know what you're doing is harmful, you also know what good things you should be doing for yourself. You deserve better treatment than how you're treating yourself.
I hope you can find a way to get the treatment you need but in the mean time, I would continue the mindful eating you mentioned. In addition to that, a good tool I learned in treatment was daily affirmations. You don't have to believe them when you say them, and you may feel silly, but it really makes a difference. Say three affirmations every morning out loud (the out loud part is important) and remember to make them:
1. Positive (I am beautiful NOT I am fat or I am losing weight)
2. Personal (I love myself NOT than my mom loves me)
3. Present (I choose to be happy rather than I will be happy someday)
The reason I suggest using affirmations is because negative self talk is really destructive to a person's ego and will manifest itself in unhealthy and damaging behaviors.
Also, because professional help is unaccessible at the time, talk to a parent or a friend. "You're only as sick as your secrets".
I hope these tools can be helpful to your recovery but I urge you to seek help when you are able. Also, check out the website:
www.somethingfishy.org for further resources and suggestions on helping yourself.
Good luck and keep me posted.
Kind Regards,
Melissa